Friday, November 27, 2009

“The How To Look At A Woman Primer”

“The How To Look At A Woman Primer”

I want to talk this week about our national pastime. No, we’re not gonna talk about baseball, cause that’s not our real national pastime. It’s certainly not the national pastime for women, and it’s not even the national pastime for men, if we‘re honest about it. If all of us men would come clean, the national pastime for us is, has been, and always will be looking at women. More specifically, looking at very attractive women.

We may as well just own up to it - we men would rather look at a nice looking woman than just about anything else. We’re biologically programmed that way. From the time the first hormones of puberty hit, we enjoy looking. And we continue enjoying it on up until we die. We can be young, old, married, single, divorced, employed, unemployed, white, black, red, yellow, tall, short, educated, or uneducated, and our one commonality is that we love looking at women. If any of you ladies out there doubt me on this, simply try the following - walk over to the man in your life, look indignantly at him, and sternly ask, “Fred, do you really like looking at that trashy looking Pamela Anderson in her skimpy bathing suits?” Then, just sit back and watch his reaction - you’ll see and hear more stammering than you would if you asked him to go out and buy certain feminine related products for you. Let’s face it, of course he wants to look at her, she’s a beautiful, trashy looking blonde, and if he didn’t want to look at her he’d be wanting to watch some Richard Simmons‘ exercise videos, and I don‘t need to say anymore about that.

So, now that we’re honest about men loving to look at hot women, we now need to discuss just how we actually do it. It’s not as easy as you’d think - first, you can’t just out and out gawk at a beautiful woman. If you’re with your wife, mother, or girlfriend when you do so, it can be pretty embarrassing. Maybe even potentially dangerous. Therefore, with that in mind, most of us men learn to look at women in ways that won’t get us into very much trouble. The following are our most widely utilized techniques:

1. The very simplest way to look at a nice looking woman without getting caught is to just look away from her, and then cut your eyes over to where she happens to be - it’s quite simple and effective. The only problems with it are that you can get some real powerful headaches if you cut your eyes over to the side for very lengthy periods of time, and, if you’re out walking when you’re cutting your eyes over, you can slip up and walk headfirst into something if you‘re not careful. I had a friend one time who actually walked right into soft drink vending machine while raptly gazing upon some feminine beauty. Talk about a cold, hard dose of reality!

2. Another way to look at a woman and not get caught is to create a diversion. It goes something like this - let’s say you and your partner are walking along in a Wal-Mart one day, and you happen to spot a real babe. Quickly, you look over towards the front of the store and say to your partner, “Wow, did you see that old woman just shove the door greeter?” Your partner will instantly walk over to check it out, and this is the time you use to scope out some newly minted gold for your eyeballs. Normally, this works out pretty well, but there’s hell to pay if your partner comes back a little too quickly and sees you checking out a hot woman. It’s easier trying to explain a loud burp at a funeral than that.

3. One novel technique is to walk up to a pretty woman and say, “Excuse me, I’m a Human Resources executive and I’ve been interviewing candidates for a self-defense instructor at our institute all afternoon. My eyes are just killing me. Would you mind if I just gaze upon your beauty for a few seconds?” Okay, honestly I’ve never heard of anyone trying this, but I just wish that one of you guys out there would take the initiative, try it, and let me know if it works out for you. I’d be most appreciative.

Well, I feel good that we’ve established what the American males’ true national pastime is. I’d love to write even more about it, but I’m already hard at work on my next expose article, where we’ll discuss why women think men are perfect before marriage, and bums afterwards...

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