Friday, July 31, 2009

“Ugly Pays!”

Sometimes I think we really need to re-examine our logic...

A few weeks ago I was riding into downtown Macon with my good friend, Charlie Deaton. We’d been working together all morning at his office, and decided to head down there and go to Jeneane’s Cafe for lunch.

While on our way to Jeneane‘s, we passed by the newly built Georgia Music Hall of Fame, and then, the Georgia Sports Hall of Fame.

I couldn't help but notice as we rode by these buildings just how beautiful they are. They're both state-of-the-art structures, and are aesthetically quite pleasing. They have everything grade “A” facilities should have - landscaped grounds, multiple sculptures, and wonderful ornamental fixtures.

One other thing they happened to have was this old bum who was walking right past them as we rode by....

This wasn't just any old bum. This was a haint ugly old bum. His gut was large enough that it almost seemed to need a wheelbarrow to support it. His face appeared to have been unshaven for days, his cheeks were gray instead of pink, and his overall countenance rivaled that of a very angered badger. He was, as Ed Jr. puts it, "triple-haint ugly."

And there he was walking right in front of these two incredibly perfect buildings...

Immediately a thought hit me - why were we taxpayers allowing this? Why would we spend millions of dollars on these beautiful buildings just to allow one Charlie Pound look-alike to ruin their beauty? It makes absolutely no sense at all. Is this what we’re spending our tax money for, to provide this ghastly contrast between pure beauty and absolute haintness?

There’s an easier way. Charlie and I thought it up as we were digging into a couple of slices of lemon meringue pie. It’s profound, yet simple, which should mean it'll have some chance for wide spread appeal and acceptance. Just consider the following idea...

We all know that when people go to renew their driver's licenses that they have to stand in front of one of those little mounted cameras in order to get their pictures taken. It would seem to us that it’d be an easy thing to hook up a computer to this camera that has an image of a decent looking person scanned into it. This person could be a level "six" on a haint-to-beauty scale of one to ten. When the camera is activated, it could scan the face of the person being photographed, and, give them an objective numeric rating based upon the afore-mentioned scale.

A six could be the passing score - this would allow the person to walk out into public just as they are. Less than a six? Why, a government issued mask (maybe like those the pro wrestlers wear) could be issued to the offendee. We could insure that the mask itself would lend itself to the beautification of the area the guilty party spends lots of time in. For example, green tinted masks could be issued for country residents (to blend in with the scenery), and concrete or asphalt colored masks could be utilized by city dwellers.

This concept would not only improve city and county beautification, but could also cause a whole series of cottage industry spin-offs. Imagine apartment communities for those with scores from one to three (no lights needed there), or guard services for those with scores of eight or greater. Human scarecrows could suddenly come into vogue. Bottom line, it doesn't take a genius to see that this thing could be an incredible boon for business. And if business does well, the tax dollars collected go up, and more government sponsored services could be rendered to all citizens. I modestly have to say that this is an incredible idea, it could even go worldwide, and ya'll can thank Charlie and I for it if you happen run into either one of us one day.

Wonder why City Hall isn't returning any of my phone calls these days?


"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!

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