Friday, August 7, 2009

“Thank God For Full Figured Women!”

Sometimes those of us of the male persuasion don’t like to admit things that we hold deep inside for fear that we’ll be made fun of. All of you men out there know exactly what I mean - if we admit we like to burp loudly, then we’re accused of being savages, therefore we can never admit to it. That also goes for a lot of other things that we like to do, but, if I write about any of them here this column will never be published, so don‘t even think about asking me what they are. It really is a shame, you know, not being able to admit this stuff, cause we men will always be men, and besides, an entrepreneur who could come up with a TV filter that would block out shows featuring Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, or Kathie Lee Gifford could become a billionaire overnight - just think about it.

Well, despite all that, it’s time we men proudly step up to the plate and admit to something. Something that all of us hold near and dear to our hearts. Something that makes us men, something that’s an inner part of our essence, and something that makes the world go around. And that something, ladies and gentlemen, is....

We love women who have a little meat on their bones.

God, there’s nothing better. A mature woman, a lady who’s lived a little, and one who has nice, full curves just makes the world go around. And that’s not just me talkin‘, either. Let’s face it, most of us men feel this way. We want to hold a woman that feels soft, one that sort of melts into you, and if she’s like that and also happens to be a good smoocher, well, she’s worth her weight in gold and then some. She’s a prime woman, a seasoned fine wine of a female, and she’ll only get better with age. Y’all think I’m off base on this? Just out there shooing flies in Alaska? Well then, please show me how many spinsters there are out there who are sassy and curvy? Not one. Nada. El zilcho. Let’s face it, all the old maids that I know of are skinnier than race track dogs on diets, and that‘s me being nice about it. When you get right down to it, a thin woman is pretty much like a small heater, very little warmth comes out and lots of maintenance is required. Need I say more?

It should be easy for you ladies to understand why we men feel this way. If you take a full figured woman into a lingerie store, all the clerks will nod and smile at you, acknowledging the fact that you’re one lucky man. She’s also the best movie companion that you can ever have because you’ll feel all sexy and warm sitting next to her, and you never have to worry that she won’t enjoy some popcorn because “it has too many fat grams.” She’s a great asset at a business dinner, as she’s typically quite smart and a great conversationalist, so she’ll mingle well with all the attendees. When you get right down to it, she’s a real woman, the best thing goin‘, and all the make-up and silicone in the world are pale subsitutes for her awesome, natural gifts. She’s an ace, pure and simple.

So, all you ladies out there, the next time you see some Paris fashion show on TV that features a bunch of malnourished waifs that don’t even make ripples in their clothes, just know that maybe two percent of the male population finds them attractive, and that two percent probably owns a complete set of Richard Simmons work-out tapes. That’s just the truth of it, consequences smon-sequences. Most of us men enjoy a nice, attractive woman of substance, the kind that we love so much that we deliberately take her to Italian or Mexican restaurants just so that we can make sure that she stays the woman she is. Just remember that less is not always better, unless you’re a visiting relative or someone pushing a pyramid marketing scheme involving insurance, cosmetics, or timeshare condominium sales...


"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!

1 comment:

  1. Zi: As always, Ed, your words make a point even as they stir the laughter. Great blog, and so very true.

    Angelica: Ed, I never miss one of your blogs. Chuckles are a great way to start the day, and yours provide an extra gift... down-home wisdom.