Tattle and Wrye column July 2017 edition

From the desk of ~

DONA PENZA TATTLE, ESQ.

AND

ASSOCIATE WRYE BALDERDASH

Greetings!

Associate Wrye Balderdash stood on the still dark cyber stage in top hat and fancy tux. Yes, he wore tails for the grand awards ceremony, a fox tail and a zebra tail. He ran a hand around his ascot, and whispered to Tattle who was attempting to climb up the stairs to the stage. “It’s starting!”

“I’m trying. My skirt’s too tight. I can’t get my leg up to the first step.” Dona Penza Tattle arrived in a bedazzled walk-the-checkered-carpet, ruby red bedazzled top and slender body hugging skirt, long enough to hide her orthopedic shoes. She wanted all to notice the slender part. She worked hard at stuffing herself into the outfit.  

“Tug down the zipper a little.”

“I am!” she said, loud enough to draw the attention of those nearby. She ignored the twitters.

“Again!”

Tattle reached behind her and tugged it once more. She couldn’t quite manage the step. The skirt was still too tight. She lowered the zipper yet again.

The spotlight exploded, shinning on Wrye.  His eyes went wide and he grinned at the crowd sheepishly. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome!” Then to Tattle in a mutter. “Hurry up!”

(Applauds from the cyber crowd of readers.)

Tattle gave her zipper a big yank. Suddenly, she felt two hands on her buns, pushing her upward and helping her onto the stage.

She looked down at the usher horrified at his audacity. “Well, how dare you, I don’t know you well enough for you to touch me like that.”

“Ma’am, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly four times either!" 

Cheeks now matching her outfit, she shuffled her way to Wrye, smiled at the nominees and readers. “It is such a pleasure to be here.”

(Applauds from the cyber crowd of readers.)

"Thank you, thank you."  Wrye bowed graciously.  "The true applauds go to all the nominees and their riveting books and the artists and their fabulous book designs.  It has been an incredibly difficult decision, but at last we have found our WINNER and TOP NOMINEE for the Tattle and Wrye Book Award.”  Otherwise known as:

THE FABULOUS FICTION FABRICATOR FEATHER IN THE FEDORA, WRYE TOAST FROM BALDERDASH AND TATTLE... JAM OPTIONAL AWARD, DENOTING THAT BALDERDASH BABBLES AND TATTLE PRATTLES AND GOOD WRITERS WRITE WELL...

TAA DAA!  WITH BOW AND CURTSY

(More applauds from the cyber crowd of readers.)

Tattle smiled broadly, tripped over the hem of her gown, felt her zipper pop and made sure to keep her back hidden. “The following is the criteria we used for the book award.”

CRITERIA (for book)

(humorous)

~Reviewed by Tattle and Wrye, separately and donut free (so as not to create an artificial zone of contentment)

~Dimensional characters who morph over time, and not into dinosaurs (unless that is a plot device)

~Faceted universe like a kaleidoscope that brings flashbacks to psychedelic Tuesdays of our 80s (someone digressed)

~Compelling like chocolate truffles you can't resist (no one can write chocolate, but what if, the world would eat it up)

~Good conflict - think clashing swords or sparing armadillos or Feuding Writing Partners (shameless plug)

~Smart/snappy dialogue, without using finger-snapping or gingersnaps or snapping turtles with red polished toenails unless they speak

~Believable inner voice even if crazy voices.  Note:  Crazies seem to have more fascinating inner voices.

~Memorable, even more so then remembering getting lost in a cupcake factory without your blood sugar testing kit

~Unpredictable plot that brings the cat ate the canary snigger as, get this, the canary ate the cat

~Stunning twists that cause spontaneous "Weoooos!" and pee-pee dances around the Rug Doctor

~Keeper-upper-til-all-too-late, as good as any date, and the perfect purchase avoiding the bad book rebate

~Ultimately, an irresistible urge by both Tattle and Wyre to high five the author

~Bottom line:  Was it good?

 

“Yes, we adore being playful, but just so you all know, we take this very seriously. We truly took our time, and thoughtfully considered everyone’s book as you can see by the following criteria,” said Wrye, looking somber.

CRITERIA (for book)

 (non-humorous)

~Reviewed by Tattle and Wrye 

~Dimensional characters who change

~Believable universe 

~Passionate (weather humorous, dramatic, or mysterious, etc.)

~Compelling

~Good conflict

~Smart/snappy dialogue

~Credible inner voice

~Memorable

~Unpredictable plot

~Stunning twists

~Page-turner1.     

“Now our criteria for book cover art.”

CRITERIA (for book cover art)

~Attention grabber

~Complexity

~Artistic talent

~Creativity

~Unique

~Conveys intrigue

~Captures the book’s intent

~Excellent use of color

~Imagery

~Imaginative

~Beauty

~Emotionally provocative

~Shows masculine strength

~Creates a sense of romance

~Use of Fonts

~Ratio of author to title

~Compelling

~Composition

~Pick-me-upper

~Mystic

~Contemporary

“The nominees for the Tattle and Wrye Awesome Book Cover Award are: A Wicked Truth - Cover Art by Ellie Smith, Untamed - Cover Art by Staci Perkins, Traitor Knight - Cover Art by Trisha FitzGerald, Home World - Cover Art  by Ellie Smith, Imagine - Cover Art by Trisha and FitzGerald, Absence of Light - Cover Art by Ellie Smith!”

An envelope appeared in Tattle’s hands. “The WINNER for the Tattle and Wrye Awesome Book Cover Award is HOME WORLD - Cover Art by Ellie Smith!”

(Cheers and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

“The nominees for the Tattle and Wrye Book Award are: UNTAMED (Duty Bound #3) by J.S. Marlo, SEDUCING THE DARKNESS, Darkness, I by Shiela Stewart, DOORS by Joanne Renaud, SILENT AUTUMN by Veronica H. Hart, ABSENCE OF LIGHT by Rick Giernoth, HOME WORLD by Michael W. Davis, and TRAITOR KNIGHT by Keith W. Willis.”

(Cheers and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

Now, for our TOP FINALIST!  The envelope, please.”  A large off-white envelope appears in her hand as Tattle and Wrye announced in unison:  Congratulations to Veronica H. Hart in recognition of SILENT AUTUMN!”

 (Cheers and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

 “And, finally our WINNER!  The envelope, please.”  An extra-large off-white envelope appeared in Tattles’ hand as the duet announced in unison:  Congratulations to our WINNER Keith W. Willis in recognition of TRAITOR KNIGHT.

 (Cheers, whistles, feet stomping and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

Well done Veronica and Keith and Ellie. The books were fabulous and the book cover was captivating. CONGRATULATIONS!

Reviews and interviews continue in August!

Dona Penza Rutabaga Tattle, Esq. and Associate Wrye Balderdash

of Blather City, Wannachat

Created and written by:  Angelica Hart and Zi

Books by: Angelica Hart and Zi

KILLER DOLLS ~ SNAKE DANCE ~

CHASING YESTERDAY ~ CHRISTMAS EVE...VIL

http://www.champagnebooks.com/

Books by: Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane

STEEL EMBRACE

BOOK NOOKIE-A LIBRARIAN'S BUIDE TO THE DO-ME DECIMAL SYSTEM

http://www.carnalpassions.com/

angelicahartandzi.com

Savvy Saturday: Teen Quiz with Morwenna from Children of Neptune

Welcome back to Savvy Saturday! Today we have a very special guest here with her author. If you didn’t know yet, author Makenna Snow has her first book, Children of Neptune, coming to your e-reader or bookshelf this July! Makenna has brought one of her characters to chat with us today, Morwenna. Let’s give them both a warm welcome! Ladies, can you tell us a little about yourselves?

Morwenna: Hi Everyone! Makenna is actually the pen name for two sisters (Jill and Jodi) who write YA fiction together. Makenna honors the memory of their grandmothers — bold women with big dreams. Jill and Jodi find inspiration in both contemporary interests, like science and nature conservation, and historical currents, like classical mythology and ancient cultures.

Makenna: Morwenna is a Beta year student at Quadrivium. She was top in her class last year. She will make sure she rises to the top this year too. Morwenna trains and plays hard. Her friends know she’s intense and love her for it. She can be brutally honest, but it’s only because she expects the best.

That's so wonderful! We can't wait for your book to be released. Because this book is set in high school, we decided to take a page of the teen scene and make this interview a teen quiz. Borrowing Teen.com’s “On a Scale of One to Ariana Grande, How Much of a ‘Dangerous Woman’ Are You?” we are going to have Morwenna answer the questions to find out her “Dangerous Woman” level. Sound like fun Morwenna?

Morwenna: Sounds like something I can easily handle 😉. Let’s do it.

Let’s get started! First question: What do you fear most?
1. Scary movies
2. Spiders
3. Heights
4. Not just spiders—ANY kind of bug

Morwenna: Heights

What crime show would you NOT watch?
1. CSI
2. Law & Order: SVU
3. Bones
4. Criminal Minds

Morwenna: Law & Order: SVU

What monster would you scream at if you saw it IRL?
1. Frankenstein
2. A ghost
3. A vampire
4. A werewolf

Morwenna: A werewolf

What’s one clothing item you’d wear no matter how crazy it may look?
1. Leggings
2. Comfy Shoes
3. A tie-dye dress
4. A neon tank top

Morwenna: A neon tank top

Which theme park is your go-to place?
1. A water park
2. Six Flags
3. The state fair
4. Disney(land or world)

Morwenna: Six Flags

How likely are you to ride a roller coaster?
1. You won’t go on exceptionally high roller coasters, but everything else I fair game
2. You’ll go on any type of ride
3. Maybe 50 percent likely
4. There’s a zero percent chance

Morwenna: I'll try any type of ride

Pick your favorite shot from the “Dangerous Woman” video.

1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 

Morwenna: Number 4

Which diva would you do a duet with?

1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 

Morwenna: Mariah

Which movie genre do you watch most?
1. Drama
2. Indie
3. Romantic comedies
4. Horror

Morwenna: Horror, definitely.

How adventurous are you really?
1. You are always up for something new
2. You’ll do anything outdoors
3. You hate adventures
4. You go on adventures, but only with friends

Morwenna: I like a new adventure.

That's the last question! Let's see what the quiz says. Your result:

You are definitely an Ariana on the "dangerous woman" scale. You laugh in the face of danger and are a total daredevil. Not only are you fearless when it comes to taking risks, but in relationships, you jump in with both feet from the beginning. You are SO confident in all that you do, so men and women should watch out when you enter the room.

How do you feel about that?

Morwenna: That sounds exactly right!

Lookout for Morwenna in Children of Neptune, to be released July, 2017. Preorder on the CBG website.

Contest!

It's been awhile, but we are having a multi-platform contest! This one is easy. We need twelve readers (no CBG authors, sorry guys!) to tell me what Champagne Book they would most like to read on the beach and why. A lucky two of the twelve will win their choice of book! All twelve will be featured on Savvy Saturday on the CBG blog in a special Reader's Choice edition. Comment on this post to enter, or check out the Facebook Group Page. Contest ends Thursday June 29th at midnight or whenever we receive twelve entries. You can find all of the CBG books here: http://champagnebooks.com/store/index.php

Savvy Saturday: Rom-Coms for the Beach

Love a good romance? Love it more with a bit of humor? Check out these six great rom-coms that you need for those lazy days on the beach or by the pool.


Braless in the Buick

Allie Stephenson is starting over. After years of trying to make her marriage work, she’s single and settling down in the suburbs with her son, M. J. Unfortunately for her, other forces have decided that it is just the right time for a man to slip into her life, home, and heart.

When Jake Donally moves into the neighborhood, the ladies all take notice. So far, he’s kept a low profile. However, that all changes when Allie breaks his Bonsai, and the wall he built around his heart, come tumbling down. Unfortunately, Jake is not all that he seems, and he’s been looking for a chance to get to know Allie much better.

Available for $2.99 on Amazon, Kobo, and at the Champagne Bookstore.



Confessions of The Sausage Queen

Bill Ludowski, owner of Kassenburg’s largest employer - Bill’s Big and Tasty Sausage- dies whilst he and Mandy Minhouser’s grandmother Lila Rose were doing their best Adam and Eve imitation under the hydrangea bushes. That Gran and Big Bill had an affair that began around the same time as World War II is a secret that everyone in town knows. But a new secret is about to be revealed. Big Bill has bequeathed the sausage factory to Lila, with Mandy as CEO.

Mandy doesn’t know squat about the sausage biz and Bill’s grandson Hughes, the factory’s CFO, does everything in his power to close the Big and Tasty. But Mandy has the one thing that Hughes doesn’t-- family and friends willing to put themselves on the line to save the factory. With hope, faith and a whole lot of luck, Mandy and company might manage to do just that.

Available for $4.95 on Amazon, Kobo, and at the Champagne Bookstore.

Getting Over It

Dumped by her long time lover while on a romantic getaway to Paris, Abby Fulton figures she’s had about enough heartache in her life. When a sexy seatmate on her long flight home takes an interest and offers some carnal diversions, a few naughty moments might be just what she needs to bolster the ole ego.

Prince Willem of Ragnovia loves being a playboy and when opportunity knocks for a little mile-high fun, he jumps at the chance. When fate turns in his favor and delivers the airline cutie right into his arms, a seductive game of cat and mouse is on.

Can Abby resist the charms of the handsome prince, or will she end up as another notch on his royal belt?

Available for $2.99 on Amazon, Kobo, and at the Champagne Bookstore.

Kiss Me

Running late for her spoiled stepsister’s bachelorette party, Lacy Goodlow is forced to speed—snagging a hefty traffic ticket and the interest of Officer Jared Kelly. Their paths collide again in the middle of the bachelorette party when Lacy plays an embarrassing game of Fact or Fun and she hands him a napkin that simply says Kiss Me. A full-blown attraction takes off, but so does conflict once it’s revealed that Jared and Lacy’s stepsister, Angela, had a tumultuous fling and she still claims territorial rights.

Available for $3.99 on Amazon, Kobo, and at the Champagne Bookstore.





Romeo's Dead but Juliet Faked It

While landscaping, Gretchen Parks, a descendent of a powerful witch queen, uncovers a vampire in her backyard. Time’s are tough and she filches treasure from his staked skeleton, unaware she’s just broken her ancestor’s curse. Once awake, suave Frenchman Jean sets his sights on Gretchen. His belle laide, beautiful ugly woman, is far from being a romantic. Convincing a jaded middle-aged woman that she’s still smoking is tough work, but turning her into a vampire hottie may get him staked. Toss in a coven of goddess-worshipping witches and a pack of supernatural wolves and watch this cheery town squirm like a chemical-soaked ant hill.

Can’t witches, goddesses, vampires, and townsfolk all get along? Apparently not in this memorable tale of how matches not made in Heaven sometimes work and why walking in the woods at night is ill-advised (unless you want to catch your neighbors dancing naked in the moonlight).

Available for $1.99 on Amazon, Kobo, and at the Champagne Bookstore.

The P-Town Queen

Nikki Silva thinks she’s blown up her life. Divorced, funding for her shark research cut off, she’s moved back to Provincetown to live with her father. Nikki’s written a grant proposal funded by a commission run by her ex-husband Ned, who would rather not give money to his ex-wife.

Marco Tornetti wants to turn a Newark spaghetti joint into a trendy bistro. His silent partner, Fat Phil Lagosa, wants to use the place to solicit questionable business deals. When Fat Phil turns on Marco and has him marked for a hit, Marco knows he’s in too deep.

Marco escapes the hit man and takes the first bus out of the city. Marco figures that Phil would never look for him in Provincetown‘s gay community. But when he meets Nikki, he finds that pretending to be gay isn’t as easy as it would seem.

Available for $3.99 on Amazon, Kobo, and at the Champagne Bookstore.

Tattle and Wrye column June 2017 edition

FROM THE DESK OF

DONA PENZA TATTLE, ESQ.

AND

ASSOCIATE WRYE BALDERDASH

Greetings,

"Ahhh chooo." Tattle blows her nose loudly. "Summer colds are just not fun.

"That's why you should catch them in the winter!" Wrye does a two-step and ends with a, "Tada!"

"Not funny."

"Then how about, why did the cheerleader put extra salt on her food in the summer? She wanted to do summer salts!"

"We are not here to tell jokes."

"Yes, I am, I am the MC for announcing the finalist for the Tattle and Wrye Awesome Book Cover Awards."

"This is serious." Sneezes. "The artists worked very hard on their covers." Sneeze. "And it was very difficult to choose the finalist." Sneeze. Blow. "Got it?"

Wrye hands Tattle one tissue after another. "Bless you."

Tattle nods a thank you, and then clears her throat.  "It is our honor to announce the finalist for this prestigious award. Every cover was eye-catching and appealing. CBG has fantastic artists, which made it nearly impossible to decide. So, we came up with criteria and a points system to be as fair as possible."

Wyre grins, mouthing, "All my idea."

"Ok... Ok... Yes... All Mister Logical's idea."

Wrye pulls out a white board and writes all the criteria on it to share with the readers. Tattle taps her foot as he painstakingly makes it appear as if typed.

CRITERIA

Attention grabber

Complexity

Artistic talent

Creativity

Unique

Conveys intrigue

Captures the book's intent

Excellent use of color

Imagery

Imaginative

Beauty

Emotionally provocative

Shows masculine strength

Creates a sense of romance

Use of Fonts

Ratio of author to title

Compelling

Composition

Pick-me-upper

Mystic

Contemporary

"Now, finally," announces Tattle, "our finalist!

A Wicked Truth - Cover Art by Ellie Smith

Untamed - Cover Art by Staci Perkins

Traitor Knight - Cover Art by Trisha FitzGerald

Home World - Cover Art  by Ellie Smith

Imagine - Cover Art by Trisha FitzGerald

Absence of Light - Cover Art by Ellie Smith

We congratulate each and every one, and we are totally amazed by your talent.  The winner will be announced in July along with the winner of the Tattle and Wrye Book Award.

Until next month, keep reading!

Dona Penza Rutabaga Tattle, Esq. and Associate Wrye Balderdash

of Blather City, Wannachat

Created and written by:  Angelica Hart and Zi

Books by: Angelica Hart and Zi

KILLER DOLLS ~ SNAKE DANCE ~

CHASING YESTERDAY ~ CHRISTMAS EVE...VIL

http://www.champagnebooks.com/

Books by: Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane

STEEL EMBRACE

BOOK NOOKIE-A LIBRARIAN'S BUIDE TO THE DO-ME DECIMAL SYSTEM

http://www.carnalpassions.com/

angelicahartandzi.com