Tattle and Wrye column July 2017 edition

From the desk of ~

DONA PENZA TATTLE, ESQ.

AND

ASSOCIATE WRYE BALDERDASH

Greetings!

Associate Wrye Balderdash stood on the still dark cyber stage in top hat and fancy tux. Yes, he wore tails for the grand awards ceremony, a fox tail and a zebra tail. He ran a hand around his ascot, and whispered to Tattle who was attempting to climb up the stairs to the stage. “It’s starting!”

“I’m trying. My skirt’s too tight. I can’t get my leg up to the first step.” Dona Penza Tattle arrived in a bedazzled walk-the-checkered-carpet, ruby red bedazzled top and slender body hugging skirt, long enough to hide her orthopedic shoes. She wanted all to notice the slender part. She worked hard at stuffing herself into the outfit.  

“Tug down the zipper a little.”

“I am!” she said, loud enough to draw the attention of those nearby. She ignored the twitters.

“Again!”

Tattle reached behind her and tugged it once more. She couldn’t quite manage the step. The skirt was still too tight. She lowered the zipper yet again.

The spotlight exploded, shinning on Wrye.  His eyes went wide and he grinned at the crowd sheepishly. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome!” Then to Tattle in a mutter. “Hurry up!”

(Applauds from the cyber crowd of readers.)

Tattle gave her zipper a big yank. Suddenly, she felt two hands on her buns, pushing her upward and helping her onto the stage.

She looked down at the usher horrified at his audacity. “Well, how dare you, I don’t know you well enough for you to touch me like that.”

“Ma’am, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly four times either!" 

Cheeks now matching her outfit, she shuffled her way to Wrye, smiled at the nominees and readers. “It is such a pleasure to be here.”

(Applauds from the cyber crowd of readers.)

"Thank you, thank you."  Wrye bowed graciously.  "The true applauds go to all the nominees and their riveting books and the artists and their fabulous book designs.  It has been an incredibly difficult decision, but at last we have found our WINNER and TOP NOMINEE for the Tattle and Wrye Book Award.”  Otherwise known as:

THE FABULOUS FICTION FABRICATOR FEATHER IN THE FEDORA, WRYE TOAST FROM BALDERDASH AND TATTLE... JAM OPTIONAL AWARD, DENOTING THAT BALDERDASH BABBLES AND TATTLE PRATTLES AND GOOD WRITERS WRITE WELL...

TAA DAA!  WITH BOW AND CURTSY

(More applauds from the cyber crowd of readers.)

Tattle smiled broadly, tripped over the hem of her gown, felt her zipper pop and made sure to keep her back hidden. “The following is the criteria we used for the book award.”

CRITERIA (for book)

(humorous)

~Reviewed by Tattle and Wrye, separately and donut free (so as not to create an artificial zone of contentment)

~Dimensional characters who morph over time, and not into dinosaurs (unless that is a plot device)

~Faceted universe like a kaleidoscope that brings flashbacks to psychedelic Tuesdays of our 80s (someone digressed)

~Compelling like chocolate truffles you can't resist (no one can write chocolate, but what if, the world would eat it up)

~Good conflict - think clashing swords or sparing armadillos or Feuding Writing Partners (shameless plug)

~Smart/snappy dialogue, without using finger-snapping or gingersnaps or snapping turtles with red polished toenails unless they speak

~Believable inner voice even if crazy voices.  Note:  Crazies seem to have more fascinating inner voices.

~Memorable, even more so then remembering getting lost in a cupcake factory without your blood sugar testing kit

~Unpredictable plot that brings the cat ate the canary snigger as, get this, the canary ate the cat

~Stunning twists that cause spontaneous "Weoooos!" and pee-pee dances around the Rug Doctor

~Keeper-upper-til-all-too-late, as good as any date, and the perfect purchase avoiding the bad book rebate

~Ultimately, an irresistible urge by both Tattle and Wyre to high five the author

~Bottom line:  Was it good?

 

“Yes, we adore being playful, but just so you all know, we take this very seriously. We truly took our time, and thoughtfully considered everyone’s book as you can see by the following criteria,” said Wrye, looking somber.

CRITERIA (for book)

 (non-humorous)

~Reviewed by Tattle and Wrye 

~Dimensional characters who change

~Believable universe 

~Passionate (weather humorous, dramatic, or mysterious, etc.)

~Compelling

~Good conflict

~Smart/snappy dialogue

~Credible inner voice

~Memorable

~Unpredictable plot

~Stunning twists

~Page-turner1.     

“Now our criteria for book cover art.”

CRITERIA (for book cover art)

~Attention grabber

~Complexity

~Artistic talent

~Creativity

~Unique

~Conveys intrigue

~Captures the book’s intent

~Excellent use of color

~Imagery

~Imaginative

~Beauty

~Emotionally provocative

~Shows masculine strength

~Creates a sense of romance

~Use of Fonts

~Ratio of author to title

~Compelling

~Composition

~Pick-me-upper

~Mystic

~Contemporary

“The nominees for the Tattle and Wrye Awesome Book Cover Award are: A Wicked Truth - Cover Art by Ellie Smith, Untamed - Cover Art by Staci Perkins, Traitor Knight - Cover Art by Trisha FitzGerald, Home World - Cover Art  by Ellie Smith, Imagine - Cover Art by Trisha and FitzGerald, Absence of Light - Cover Art by Ellie Smith!”

An envelope appeared in Tattle’s hands. “The WINNER for the Tattle and Wrye Awesome Book Cover Award is HOME WORLD - Cover Art by Ellie Smith!”

(Cheers and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

“The nominees for the Tattle and Wrye Book Award are: UNTAMED (Duty Bound #3) by J.S. Marlo, SEDUCING THE DARKNESS, Darkness, I by Shiela Stewart, DOORS by Joanne Renaud, SILENT AUTUMN by Veronica H. Hart, ABSENCE OF LIGHT by Rick Giernoth, HOME WORLD by Michael W. Davis, and TRAITOR KNIGHT by Keith W. Willis.”

(Cheers and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

Now, for our TOP FINALIST!  The envelope, please.”  A large off-white envelope appears in her hand as Tattle and Wrye announced in unison:  Congratulations to Veronica H. Hart in recognition of SILENT AUTUMN!”

 (Cheers and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

 “And, finally our WINNER!  The envelope, please.”  An extra-large off-white envelope appeared in Tattles’ hand as the duet announced in unison:  Congratulations to our WINNER Keith W. Willis in recognition of TRAITOR KNIGHT.

 (Cheers, whistles, feet stomping and applauds from the cyber crowd of readers and Tattle and Wrye.)

Well done Veronica and Keith and Ellie. The books were fabulous and the book cover was captivating. CONGRATULATIONS!

Reviews and interviews continue in August!

Dona Penza Rutabaga Tattle, Esq. and Associate Wrye Balderdash

of Blather City, Wannachat

Created and written by:  Angelica Hart and Zi

Books by: Angelica Hart and Zi

KILLER DOLLS ~ SNAKE DANCE ~

CHASING YESTERDAY ~ CHRISTMAS EVE...VIL

http://www.champagnebooks.com/

Books by: Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane

STEEL EMBRACE

BOOK NOOKIE-A LIBRARIAN'S BUIDE TO THE DO-ME DECIMAL SYSTEM

http://www.carnalpassions.com/

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