FROM THE DESK OF
DONA PENZA TATTLE, ESQ.
AND
ASSOCIATE WRYE
BALDERDASH
Greetings,
Tattle stares at a picture of a snowman and
sighs. "I miss snow."
Wearing
Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, Wrye gulps half his ice tea. "It's snowing somewhere, I'm sure, just
not in our neck of the world. By the
way, how do snowmen travel around?"
"Huh?"
"By
iceicle!" After a quick two-step, Wrye adds, "Ta
da! What sort of ball doesn't
bounce? A snowball! What do you get if you
cross a snowman and a shark? Frost
bite!"
"Errr,
my remark wasn't a cue for you to become the snow-comedian, y'know."
"Ahhh,
I get it, it was my cue to take you out for snow cones."
"By
George, I think, he got it! And since it
is time for our Love of Literature Leap Interviews with two of Champagne Books Authors, let's leap into a couple of interviews with Julie Eberhart
Painter and Ute Carbone. Let's bring snow cones!"
"Great
idea! But, umm, who's George?"
Rolling
her eyes, she snaps her finger and the two show up in an award winning and dedicated author's kitchen just
as she is pouring her first cuppa of the morning.
T: (Paraphrases) There is nothing wrong with your vision. Do not attempt
to adjust your sanity. We are now in control. We control the interview
and snow-cone flavor. We can deluge you with a thousand questions, or expand
one single question to feel like a thousand. We can shape your
vision...
W: (Interrupts) In other words, we are here to interview you, Julie
Eberhart Painter. We had (grins and offers up a snow cone) a hankering
for snow cones and mystery! Interested?
J: What proof is that cone?
T: (Settles down at the table across from Wrye and Julie) Now, to
get down to a bit of gossip... errr... queries about you and your work.
Tell us, Julie, which of your female heroines do you feel is most like
you?
J: Ellen in Mortal Coil. http://amzn.to/1dahbIw
She’s the administrator in a nursing home in Marietta, Georgia,
northwest of Atlanta. She’s honest and sensitive, recently widowed – courtesy
of the Pony-tailed Perp. Her ten-year-old daughter, Patti, is the spitting
image of my real daughter Lynne at the same age. Wonder how that happened.
W: Now, for those of us who need to
know. (Becomes very serious) Do you consider yourself a good liar?
J: I’d be lying if I said yes. My face is a dead, not-quite-dead,
giveaway. I get hot flashes just
thinking about it.
T: Have you ever been so into plotting and writing that something
important was left undone? For example, I once kept putting off laundry
and ran out of clean underwear. So, have you ever experienced anything
similar? If so, tell... tell... tell....
J: Often, especially before my husband
retired. Now he keeps me on my toes. FYI: I keep a stash of extra drawers in my
drawers.
W: Very good planning! (Looks at
Tattle pointedly) Any hoo, you need to think like a killer to write about
killers, so 'fess up. Do you enjoy creating those nasty little
souls? And even more importantly... (narrows his eyes and peers at
Julie intently) Do you kill spiders or carry them outside?
J: The bug man kills the spiders; he’s a
hired killer. I carry the geckos outside, all the while telling them I’m
returning them to their families. They
are usually dehydrating, so I put a drop of water in two clear plastic cups,
scoop them up and redeposit them near their homes. They are, in real life, just
as cute as the one on TV.
On the evil side, I have a devious mind, short
earlobes, and a wild imagination.
Killer plots are another matter. In my unpublished memoir, Pathways Home, an adoptee's story, I show
myself at age 15 bereft of a boyfriend. I describe it thusly:
Toward the end of our
sophomore year, Bobby (a tuba player) added a trombone to his collection. Her
name was Henrietta.
(Then
a friend told me a secret about her, and I grew up fast.)
…I was speechless.
“…Henrietta’s mother loved the man
so much she couldn’t give up her daughter.”
Johnny pointed to where they lived
across the street from his house. “It’s that third floor apartment,” Johnny
said.
I looked up
at the four story brick building with its twisted fire escape precariously
clinging to the side.
“Her mother’s got that fire escape
stacked with magazines and old newspapers. It drives Henrietta crazy. She’s
always moving them away from the door—scared to death of getting trapped in
there.”
“A metaphor for her life, trapped in
this town,” I said, thinking, for one fleeting moment, I could destroy
Henrietta.
But I didn’t.
Losing Bobby to such a pathetic girl
gave me new insight. Passion was replaced by compassion and empathy. I saw the
irony: “There but for the grace of God go I,” the adopted one. I recognized
that if my birth mother, equally downtrodden and disapproved of, had chosen to
keep me, I could have been Henrietta.
I never told anyone, not my
tight-lipped adoptive mother, Henrietta or Bobby. Not until now, more than
sixty years later, when no one cares anymore, am I revealing her secret. I
learned people are not simple, sketched onto velvet. They are complex and three-dimensional.
Keeping Henrietta’s secret empowered
me and helped me forgive her. Yet in the fifties, we didn’t speak of or define
such things in psychological terms. Yet, that’s how kindness works for good. I
could not be Henrietta’s friend. I’d never trust her—ever. But the sick feeling, the intense desire to
murder her in ways not yet been invented went away. I was healing. …
T: Oooh, thank you for sharing that intimate
part of your life with our readers.
(Pauses to gather her thoughts) Which
of your characters would make their bed and which one would leave it messy?
J: Ellen’s daughter, Patti would leave
it messy, probably strewn with sports equipment, but her mother Ellen would
tidy up.
W: Unlike my cohort in tattling, I have a
serious inquiry, is your muse a night owl that keeps you up till all hours or a
morning bird that greets the dawn?
J: A bird that greets the dawn, after the night owl of my subconscious wakes me
up early. “Stupid bird!”
T: Now, think food, savory or sweet, meaty or veggie, creamy or
gritty? If you were a food, what food would you want be?”
J: Savory, meaty, and textured: Beef
Burgundy over wide noodles, al dente.
W: Thank you so much for allowing us to invade your kitchen.” He
offers a gentlemanly bow.
T: We fully appreciate your time and totally enjoy your books. We impatiently
await your next book, especially since hearing Champagne Books has invited you
into the Cozy
mystery/quirky character club with a deadline for a full manuscript by
September. The novel takes place in my home town, a beach town in Florida known
for odd crimes, and nutty seniors. Tim Dorsey and Carl Hiaasen have already
harvested some of the funniest mysteries from Volusia County where the novels
about New Smyrna Beach are set… Looking forward to reading it!
Tattle nods and winks, imitating Santa's
up-the-chimney trick. Except the two simply vanish and appear in Ute
Carbone's writer's garret.
T: Be not afraid, we come bearing snow
cones... and questions. (Hands Ute a cherry snow cone) Oh,
everything in cyberspace, as you know, is calorie-free.
U: Thanks so much for having me. Mmm snow cone
(she slurps at the cone) and red, my favorite. Did you know that if you eat
these you don't need lipstick?
W: So, Ute, be honest, how many clones
do you have?
T: You can't ask her that!
W: Yes I can, look at all the books she
has written in various genres, all the awards and the fabulous
interviews. There are only twenty-four hours in a day, how can she
possibly do it all without having clones? Hmmmmm?
T: Ok, you have a point, but let us
rephrase. Ute, if you could clone yourself, how many clones would you
have and just what tasks would you have them do?
U: Oh, I
don't need clones. I already have
multiple personalities. But minions...Now there's something I could use. They
could do all the housework I avoid by writing. And they'd bring me chocolate
and coffee. They'd be very handy...yes, yes, very handy. (She nods in agreement
with herself)
W: Interesting, I’d like a few of them
round about here as well. Having said
that, if you could be a character in any of your books, which one would you
choose and why?
U: Hmm,
well, since they all live in my head and it's very crowded up there, anyone of
them could actually be me at any one time. But, honestly, the answer changes
like the weather. Depends on my mood. I'm a little funky today, so Lenora who
is prone to adventure would probably get me out of my funk. Plus, she gets to
bed hunky Anton and...I might need another snow cone.
T: (Fanning herself thinking of Anton,
Tattle gives Ute another cone and grabs one for herself) Now that you've confided in who'd you'd like
to be, tell us which antagonist in one of your books you loved to create and if
there is any of you in the villainous character?
U: Oh, I think there's a bit of villain
in all of us (laughs maniacally and rubs hands together) I like creating all characters, villains and
heroes, and all of them have (I think) some good and bad in them. Except for
Abercrombie from the Sweet Lenora Series. That guy was just pure evil. He was
fun to create, especially since in the next book I get to hang him.
W: Does the tribe of weird and strange
apply to you? Or is logic your muse? (Points to Tattle and
mouths) Weird. (Thumbs his chest) Logical.
U: Well,
since I play with my imaginary friends all day and write down their stories,
I'm probably not too logical. Or normal. Then again, voices in your head are
normal, right? Right???
T: But of course they are! Personally, I am proud to be a member of the
weird persuasion, but I guess, (lets out a long breath) there is a place for
logic now and again. After all I am quite fond of Data and Mr.
Spock. Which brings me to another question. Do you read the type of
stories you write?
U:
Absolutely. I read an adage once—Write what you love to read. I think it's
true, and so I try to write the kind of stories I'd enjoy reading.
W: What does sci-fi characters have to do
with.... Oh, never mind, like I mentioned earlier, weird! Now, for
a more sensible query. If you could live on a planet of your own
creation, what sort of planet would it be?
U: I do
live on a planet of my own creation. It's very nice here, too. The inmates...I
mean citizens...are very friendly. They give you snow cones. And wine. And they
sing and dance around a lot. When they've had too much wine, they do.
T: (Offers a dreamy look, muttering,) Can
I live there, too?
W: Did you say something?
T: (Shakes herself out of her momentary
trance) Yup. Was just asking Ute,
if there was an alien invasion, and you could only take one thing, would it be
your laptop, best sneakers, heels or your stash of candy?
U: Hmm,
I'd take my kindle. So many books, so little time. And really, who needs a
toothbrush when you've got books?
W: Agreed!
Again, let me bring everyone back to a good ole basic interview
question. (Leans forward, rises a bushy brow and looks at Ute
pointedly) Do you prefer slippers or bare feet?
U:
(Stares back). Bare feet. Slippers are for sissies.
T: Thank you so much for allowing us to
steal a piece of your busy schedule. You have been a dear.
W: And exceptionally patient. Next
time we'll bring donuts. (Eyes glaze over just like a sugary treat)
U: Oooh,
donuts. I like donuts. Can I come back soon?
T: For sure, just bring us your latest release
so we can review it!
Hope you all enjoyed our jaunt into the world
of CBG authors. Until next month, keep
reading.
Dona
Penza Rutabaga Tattle, Esq. and Associate Wrye Balderdash
of
Blather City, Wannachat
Created
and written by
Angelica Hart and Zi
Books by
Angelica Hart and Zi
KILLER
DOLLS ~ SNAKE DANCE ~
CHASING
YESTERDAY ~ CHRISTMAS EVE...VIL
Books by
Vixen Bright and Zachary Zane
STEEL
EMBRACE
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NOOKIE-A LIBRARIAN'S BUIDE TO THE DO-ME DECIMAL SYSTEM
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