Showing posts with label ChristmaSin'. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ChristmaSin'. Show all posts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Champagne Books Announces Release of ChristmaSin' by Ed Williams
Champagne Books Announces Release of ChristmaSin' by Ed Williams
By Tami with Champagne Books Dated: Nov 02, 2009
Ed Williams is a true Southern Outlaw Author who hails from Juliette, Georgia. He's the author of the books Sex, Dead Dogs, and Me: The Juliette Journals, and Rough As A Cob: More From The Juliette Journals.
ChristmaSin'
Tired of sugar plums and sit-com Christmases? Ready for something real, wild, and kickin'? Try reading ChristmaSin', a deeply Southern Christmas Epistle that will have you wishing Christmas really was every day! Christmas isn't just about sugar plum fairies and reindeer dancing across the sky. It can also be about red clay chunk wars, cock fighting, dead people who may really not be, and more! Get set for a wild, wild Christmas ride when you read ChristmaSin', Southern Outlaw Author Ed Williams' take on what a true Christmas in a small, rural Southern town is really all about! Learn about Christmas miracles happening in the most unlikely of settings, the early '70s in tiny Juliette, Georgia. It's a novel that could be true, in some places actually is, and one that will both warm the heart and tickle the funny bone!
ChristmaSin' can be purchased in print and in electronic format November 2, 2009 (http://www.champagnebooks.
Please contact Tami for any questions regarding this press release publicity@champagnebooks.com
###
Champagne Books is an independent small press located in Calgary, AB Canada. Our books are available in electronic and trade paperback formats. With only the best authors, you can be guaranteed of the highest quality fiction at the best possible price.
Friday, August 7, 2009
“Thank God For Full Figured Women!”
Sometimes those of us of the male persuasion don’t like to admit things that we hold deep inside for fear that we’ll be made fun of. All of you men out there know exactly what I mean - if we admit we like to burp loudly, then we’re accused of being savages, therefore we can never admit to it. That also goes for a lot of other things that we like to do, but, if I write about any of them here this column will never be published, so don‘t even think about asking me what they are. It really is a shame, you know, not being able to admit this stuff, cause we men will always be men, and besides, an entrepreneur who could come up with a TV filter that would block out shows featuring Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, or Kathie Lee Gifford could become a billionaire overnight - just think about it.
Well, despite all that, it’s time we men proudly step up to the plate and admit to something. Something that all of us hold near and dear to our hearts. Something that makes us men, something that’s an inner part of our essence, and something that makes the world go around. And that something, ladies and gentlemen, is....
We love women who have a little meat on their bones.
God, there’s nothing better. A mature woman, a lady who’s lived a little, and one who has nice, full curves just makes the world go around. And that’s not just me talkin‘, either. Let’s face it, most of us men feel this way. We want to hold a woman that feels soft, one that sort of melts into you, and if she’s like that and also happens to be a good smoocher, well, she’s worth her weight in gold and then some. She’s a prime woman, a seasoned fine wine of a female, and she’ll only get better with age. Y’all think I’m off base on this? Just out there shooing flies in Alaska? Well then, please show me how many spinsters there are out there who are sassy and curvy? Not one. Nada. El zilcho. Let’s face it, all the old maids that I know of are skinnier than race track dogs on diets, and that‘s me being nice about it. When you get right down to it, a thin woman is pretty much like a small heater, very little warmth comes out and lots of maintenance is required. Need I say more?
It should be easy for you ladies to understand why we men feel this way. If you take a full figured woman into a lingerie store, all the clerks will nod and smile at you, acknowledging the fact that you’re one lucky man. She’s also the best movie companion that you can ever have because you’ll feel all sexy and warm sitting next to her, and you never have to worry that she won’t enjoy some popcorn because “it has too many fat grams.” She’s a great asset at a business dinner, as she’s typically quite smart and a great conversationalist, so she’ll mingle well with all the attendees. When you get right down to it, she’s a real woman, the best thing goin‘, and all the make-up and silicone in the world are pale subsitutes for her awesome, natural gifts. She’s an ace, pure and simple.
So, all you ladies out there, the next time you see some Paris fashion show on TV that features a bunch of malnourished waifs that don’t even make ripples in their clothes, just know that maybe two percent of the male population finds them attractive, and that two percent probably owns a complete set of Richard Simmons work-out tapes. That’s just the truth of it, consequences smon-sequences. Most of us men enjoy a nice, attractive woman of substance, the kind that we love so much that we deliberately take her to Italian or Mexican restaurants just so that we can make sure that she stays the woman she is. Just remember that less is not always better, unless you’re a visiting relative or someone pushing a pyramid marketing scheme involving insurance, cosmetics, or timeshare condominium sales...
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
Well, despite all that, it’s time we men proudly step up to the plate and admit to something. Something that all of us hold near and dear to our hearts. Something that makes us men, something that’s an inner part of our essence, and something that makes the world go around. And that something, ladies and gentlemen, is....
We love women who have a little meat on their bones.
God, there’s nothing better. A mature woman, a lady who’s lived a little, and one who has nice, full curves just makes the world go around. And that’s not just me talkin‘, either. Let’s face it, most of us men feel this way. We want to hold a woman that feels soft, one that sort of melts into you, and if she’s like that and also happens to be a good smoocher, well, she’s worth her weight in gold and then some. She’s a prime woman, a seasoned fine wine of a female, and she’ll only get better with age. Y’all think I’m off base on this? Just out there shooing flies in Alaska? Well then, please show me how many spinsters there are out there who are sassy and curvy? Not one. Nada. El zilcho. Let’s face it, all the old maids that I know of are skinnier than race track dogs on diets, and that‘s me being nice about it. When you get right down to it, a thin woman is pretty much like a small heater, very little warmth comes out and lots of maintenance is required. Need I say more?
It should be easy for you ladies to understand why we men feel this way. If you take a full figured woman into a lingerie store, all the clerks will nod and smile at you, acknowledging the fact that you’re one lucky man. She’s also the best movie companion that you can ever have because you’ll feel all sexy and warm sitting next to her, and you never have to worry that she won’t enjoy some popcorn because “it has too many fat grams.” She’s a great asset at a business dinner, as she’s typically quite smart and a great conversationalist, so she’ll mingle well with all the attendees. When you get right down to it, she’s a real woman, the best thing goin‘, and all the make-up and silicone in the world are pale subsitutes for her awesome, natural gifts. She’s an ace, pure and simple.
So, all you ladies out there, the next time you see some Paris fashion show on TV that features a bunch of malnourished waifs that don’t even make ripples in their clothes, just know that maybe two percent of the male population finds them attractive, and that two percent probably owns a complete set of Richard Simmons work-out tapes. That’s just the truth of it, consequences smon-sequences. Most of us men enjoy a nice, attractive woman of substance, the kind that we love so much that we deliberately take her to Italian or Mexican restaurants just so that we can make sure that she stays the woman she is. Just remember that less is not always better, unless you’re a visiting relative or someone pushing a pyramid marketing scheme involving insurance, cosmetics, or timeshare condominium sales...
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
Friday, July 31, 2009
“Ugly Pays!”
Sometimes I think we really need to re-examine our logic...
A few weeks ago I was riding into downtown Macon with my good friend, Charlie Deaton. We’d been working together all morning at his office, and decided to head down there and go to Jeneane’s Cafe for lunch.
While on our way to Jeneane‘s, we passed by the newly built Georgia Music Hall of Fame, and then, the Georgia Sports Hall of Fame.
I couldn't help but notice as we rode by these buildings just how beautiful they are. They're both state-of-the-art structures, and are aesthetically quite pleasing. They have everything grade “A” facilities should have - landscaped grounds, multiple sculptures, and wonderful ornamental fixtures.
One other thing they happened to have was this old bum who was walking right past them as we rode by....
This wasn't just any old bum. This was a haint ugly old bum. His gut was large enough that it almost seemed to need a wheelbarrow to support it. His face appeared to have been unshaven for days, his cheeks were gray instead of pink, and his overall countenance rivaled that of a very angered badger. He was, as Ed Jr. puts it, "triple-haint ugly."
And there he was walking right in front of these two incredibly perfect buildings...
Immediately a thought hit me - why were we taxpayers allowing this? Why would we spend millions of dollars on these beautiful buildings just to allow one Charlie Pound look-alike to ruin their beauty? It makes absolutely no sense at all. Is this what we’re spending our tax money for, to provide this ghastly contrast between pure beauty and absolute haintness?
There’s an easier way. Charlie and I thought it up as we were digging into a couple of slices of lemon meringue pie. It’s profound, yet simple, which should mean it'll have some chance for wide spread appeal and acceptance. Just consider the following idea...
We all know that when people go to renew their driver's licenses that they have to stand in front of one of those little mounted cameras in order to get their pictures taken. It would seem to us that it’d be an easy thing to hook up a computer to this camera that has an image of a decent looking person scanned into it. This person could be a level "six" on a haint-to-beauty scale of one to ten. When the camera is activated, it could scan the face of the person being photographed, and, give them an objective numeric rating based upon the afore-mentioned scale.
A six could be the passing score - this would allow the person to walk out into public just as they are. Less than a six? Why, a government issued mask (maybe like those the pro wrestlers wear) could be issued to the offendee. We could insure that the mask itself would lend itself to the beautification of the area the guilty party spends lots of time in. For example, green tinted masks could be issued for country residents (to blend in with the scenery), and concrete or asphalt colored masks could be utilized by city dwellers.
This concept would not only improve city and county beautification, but could also cause a whole series of cottage industry spin-offs. Imagine apartment communities for those with scores from one to three (no lights needed there), or guard services for those with scores of eight or greater. Human scarecrows could suddenly come into vogue. Bottom line, it doesn't take a genius to see that this thing could be an incredible boon for business. And if business does well, the tax dollars collected go up, and more government sponsored services could be rendered to all citizens. I modestly have to say that this is an incredible idea, it could even go worldwide, and ya'll can thank Charlie and I for it if you happen run into either one of us one day.
Wonder why City Hall isn't returning any of my phone calls these days?
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
A few weeks ago I was riding into downtown Macon with my good friend, Charlie Deaton. We’d been working together all morning at his office, and decided to head down there and go to Jeneane’s Cafe for lunch.
While on our way to Jeneane‘s, we passed by the newly built Georgia Music Hall of Fame, and then, the Georgia Sports Hall of Fame.
I couldn't help but notice as we rode by these buildings just how beautiful they are. They're both state-of-the-art structures, and are aesthetically quite pleasing. They have everything grade “A” facilities should have - landscaped grounds, multiple sculptures, and wonderful ornamental fixtures.
One other thing they happened to have was this old bum who was walking right past them as we rode by....
This wasn't just any old bum. This was a haint ugly old bum. His gut was large enough that it almost seemed to need a wheelbarrow to support it. His face appeared to have been unshaven for days, his cheeks were gray instead of pink, and his overall countenance rivaled that of a very angered badger. He was, as Ed Jr. puts it, "triple-haint ugly."
And there he was walking right in front of these two incredibly perfect buildings...
Immediately a thought hit me - why were we taxpayers allowing this? Why would we spend millions of dollars on these beautiful buildings just to allow one Charlie Pound look-alike to ruin their beauty? It makes absolutely no sense at all. Is this what we’re spending our tax money for, to provide this ghastly contrast between pure beauty and absolute haintness?
There’s an easier way. Charlie and I thought it up as we were digging into a couple of slices of lemon meringue pie. It’s profound, yet simple, which should mean it'll have some chance for wide spread appeal and acceptance. Just consider the following idea...
We all know that when people go to renew their driver's licenses that they have to stand in front of one of those little mounted cameras in order to get their pictures taken. It would seem to us that it’d be an easy thing to hook up a computer to this camera that has an image of a decent looking person scanned into it. This person could be a level "six" on a haint-to-beauty scale of one to ten. When the camera is activated, it could scan the face of the person being photographed, and, give them an objective numeric rating based upon the afore-mentioned scale.
A six could be the passing score - this would allow the person to walk out into public just as they are. Less than a six? Why, a government issued mask (maybe like those the pro wrestlers wear) could be issued to the offendee. We could insure that the mask itself would lend itself to the beautification of the area the guilty party spends lots of time in. For example, green tinted masks could be issued for country residents (to blend in with the scenery), and concrete or asphalt colored masks could be utilized by city dwellers.
This concept would not only improve city and county beautification, but could also cause a whole series of cottage industry spin-offs. Imagine apartment communities for those with scores from one to three (no lights needed there), or guard services for those with scores of eight or greater. Human scarecrows could suddenly come into vogue. Bottom line, it doesn't take a genius to see that this thing could be an incredible boon for business. And if business does well, the tax dollars collected go up, and more government sponsored services could be rendered to all citizens. I modestly have to say that this is an incredible idea, it could even go worldwide, and ya'll can thank Charlie and I for it if you happen run into either one of us one day.
Wonder why City Hall isn't returning any of my phone calls these days?
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
Friday, July 24, 2009
“Useless and Used”
Have you ever thought about how many totally useless things there are out there?
I don’t know how my brain got locked onto that topic this week, but it did. Think about it - there are a ton of things out there in the world, things that we deal with each day of our lives, things that we just accept as being the way things are, that are totally useless. And I’m not talking about obvious stuff like mosquitoes, in-laws, or our appendixes, either. What I’m talking about is stuff like:
1. Candy bars with nutritional information on the label -
Let’s face it, we all know candy bars are loaded with sugar, carbohydrates, and other stuff that’s not good for us. We also know that if we really want a candy bar we’re gonna eat one, no matter what sorts of terrors it may contain within. I’ve noticed that when I eat a candy bar I never read the nutritional information on the candy bar wrapper, in fact, I get rid of the wrapper as quickly as possible. Why would I want to read it? To see that I’m eating lots of sugar, carbs and other bad stuff? I’m well aware that I’m doing that. It’s totally useless information, in fact, they should make it a law that they can‘t put nutritional stuff on there so that we candy bar lovers can eat them in peace.
2. The flag on your mailbox -
Since the mailman comes each day and opens your mailbox door to put the mail inside, why do they need that flag on the outside of the box? So that the postal carrier will know mail is inside ready to be mailed? If the mail carrier can’t see that when they open the door, we have something much worse to worry about than mailbox flags. A totally useless item.
3. Naming highways or roads after living politicians -
I went on a quick trip to a small central Georgia community recently, and I swear that every two or three miles along the way there was a sign saying, “So-and-so (an old middle Georgia legislator who’ll have to croak to give up the job) Highway.” It made me think - why would we want to name highways after living politicians? It‘s either because someone is brown nosing the politician for a favor, or, because the politician‘s ego is in hyperdrive. Either way, it‘s a useless practice.
4. Putting chocolates on pillows in motels -
Don’t you think the last thing any of us needs before we turn in at night is a big dose of sugar and caffeine? I never understood how this came to be an accepted practice at nice motels. On top of that, if you have kids with you, a battle breaks out each night over who gets the chocolate(s). Ever tried to split one of those bed chocolates among two or more kids? You‘d have an easier time removing your own tonsils with your fingers.
5. The tags they sew into the collar of men’s shirts -
This is one of my biggest quirks - I hate the tags in men‘s shirts. They itch or scratch the back of your neck most of the time, and, even if they don’t, you still know they’re back there. Debbie gets mad at me because I’ll absolutely not wear a shirt unless the tags are cut out of it. Why can’t they just drop a card inside the shirt’s package that tells you how to wash and take care of it? I’ll bet some militant feminist man-hater came up with these tags, probably the same one that invented neck ties. A totally useless item.
Now you see what I mean? And I could’ve added another ten items to this list without even batting an eye. Things that we buy because they’re proper, or accepted customs, or because we fear people will laugh at us or whatever. Well, from here on out I’m gonna live life more to my own terms, and do what I wanna do. Know what my first project is gonna be? I want to see if I can buy an ICEE machine and put it in my home. I love ICEEs, and since most of ‘em are sold at Kmart I figure I’m gonna have to find an alternative ICEE source before it‘s too late. You think I’m crazy? They said the same thing about Edison, you know...
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
I don’t know how my brain got locked onto that topic this week, but it did. Think about it - there are a ton of things out there in the world, things that we deal with each day of our lives, things that we just accept as being the way things are, that are totally useless. And I’m not talking about obvious stuff like mosquitoes, in-laws, or our appendixes, either. What I’m talking about is stuff like:
1. Candy bars with nutritional information on the label -
Let’s face it, we all know candy bars are loaded with sugar, carbohydrates, and other stuff that’s not good for us. We also know that if we really want a candy bar we’re gonna eat one, no matter what sorts of terrors it may contain within. I’ve noticed that when I eat a candy bar I never read the nutritional information on the candy bar wrapper, in fact, I get rid of the wrapper as quickly as possible. Why would I want to read it? To see that I’m eating lots of sugar, carbs and other bad stuff? I’m well aware that I’m doing that. It’s totally useless information, in fact, they should make it a law that they can‘t put nutritional stuff on there so that we candy bar lovers can eat them in peace.
2. The flag on your mailbox -
Since the mailman comes each day and opens your mailbox door to put the mail inside, why do they need that flag on the outside of the box? So that the postal carrier will know mail is inside ready to be mailed? If the mail carrier can’t see that when they open the door, we have something much worse to worry about than mailbox flags. A totally useless item.
3. Naming highways or roads after living politicians -
I went on a quick trip to a small central Georgia community recently, and I swear that every two or three miles along the way there was a sign saying, “So-and-so (an old middle Georgia legislator who’ll have to croak to give up the job) Highway.” It made me think - why would we want to name highways after living politicians? It‘s either because someone is brown nosing the politician for a favor, or, because the politician‘s ego is in hyperdrive. Either way, it‘s a useless practice.
4. Putting chocolates on pillows in motels -
Don’t you think the last thing any of us needs before we turn in at night is a big dose of sugar and caffeine? I never understood how this came to be an accepted practice at nice motels. On top of that, if you have kids with you, a battle breaks out each night over who gets the chocolate(s). Ever tried to split one of those bed chocolates among two or more kids? You‘d have an easier time removing your own tonsils with your fingers.
5. The tags they sew into the collar of men’s shirts -
This is one of my biggest quirks - I hate the tags in men‘s shirts. They itch or scratch the back of your neck most of the time, and, even if they don’t, you still know they’re back there. Debbie gets mad at me because I’ll absolutely not wear a shirt unless the tags are cut out of it. Why can’t they just drop a card inside the shirt’s package that tells you how to wash and take care of it? I’ll bet some militant feminist man-hater came up with these tags, probably the same one that invented neck ties. A totally useless item.
Now you see what I mean? And I could’ve added another ten items to this list without even batting an eye. Things that we buy because they’re proper, or accepted customs, or because we fear people will laugh at us or whatever. Well, from here on out I’m gonna live life more to my own terms, and do what I wanna do. Know what my first project is gonna be? I want to see if I can buy an ICEE machine and put it in my home. I love ICEEs, and since most of ‘em are sold at Kmart I figure I’m gonna have to find an alternative ICEE source before it‘s too late. You think I’m crazy? They said the same thing about Edison, you know...
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
Friday, July 17, 2009
“Whale Chunks and Government Flunk-ies”
It’s amazing what some joint father-son television viewing can reveal. Just last week, Will summoned me into the den to watch a program called, "The World's Most Bizarre Home Videos."
They sure had the title pegged right. We saw all sorts of weird segments, but, one part of the program reaffirmed certain aspects about both politics and life to me...
It seems that recently on a beach out in California the high tides brought in a whale and deposited it. It was a dead whale, and I'm sure it just sort of rolled up on the beach like...well...a dead whale would.
Well, as nature intended, tides do go back out, and this erstwhile Shamu was left behind lying on the sand. And out in the hot sun. And starting to be the focus of interest for a large variety of flies, buzzards, and other assorted natural scavengers.
Fortunately, for the residents of this beachfront community, city government was notified about the problem, and two members of the town's council promptly showed up at the beach to solve it.
It couldn't have been pretty - kids swarming around the carcass, the odor of sulfur times ten in the air, whole views of the ocean blocked off due to one large dead fish. Fortunately, the town council members who responded were out there on that razor's edge when it comes to creative thinking...
They talked for a few minutes, and decided to explode the whale - I mean it - literally explode the whale! As they explained it,
"We figure some explosive charges placed under the whale, angled properly, will explode the carcass and deposit the chunks out into the ocean, where they will be naturally disposed of."
You can't dispute that sound logic. Of course, the Titanic made sense in the beginning, too. And, in this case, as in so many others, human error reared its ugly head...
A group of demolition experts was summoned out to the beach where they proceeded to examine the whale. Once examined, they began putting all sorts of explosive charges underneath it. They would put some explosives out, stand back, measure the whale, talk, and then put out some more explosives. I noticed during all this activity that one of the demolition guys was actually chomping on a sandwich while standing about ten feet from this aromatic carcass. Now there's a man I'd love to invite to one of my mother-in-laws' social gatherings...
Finally, all the calculations were completed, and all the explosives were set in place underneath Moby Dick's fragrant body. The word to detonate the explosives was given, and a series of loud blasts began....
It was wild - clouds of pink immediately consumed the air around the whale. Chunks of Shamu were flying around everywhere...
The only problem was that the demolition experts miscalculated in their judgments as to how much explosive power was needed to dispose of the corpse. Instead of blowing those sweet chunks out to sea, they exploded out in the opposite direction - landing, like stinky missiles, all over the beach itself.
You couldn't help but laugh - festering whale blubber chunks plopping around all over the beach. The video camera caught people ducking the chunks, and, one roughly two hundred pound missile was filmed destroying a brand new Ford Mustang convertible. One besieged fellow, covered in pink from head to toe, made the following astute observation...
"Its not the blood and guts that bother you, its the stench."
And there you have it - a major life's lesson learned. Will asked me how those demolition experts could have possibly screwed up so badly? I told him the sandwich eating guy probably made all the calculations, and, at worst, knew that a mistake would end up landing him and his town on "The World's Most Bizarre Home Videos." Probably figured the exposure would help the town's tourism business.
Will nodded at my answer, and once again we both were left feeling incredibly awed by the remarkable efficiency of government and the educational value of network TV...
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wQu3_9vvig
They sure had the title pegged right. We saw all sorts of weird segments, but, one part of the program reaffirmed certain aspects about both politics and life to me...
It seems that recently on a beach out in California the high tides brought in a whale and deposited it. It was a dead whale, and I'm sure it just sort of rolled up on the beach like...well...a dead whale would.
Well, as nature intended, tides do go back out, and this erstwhile Shamu was left behind lying on the sand. And out in the hot sun. And starting to be the focus of interest for a large variety of flies, buzzards, and other assorted natural scavengers.
Fortunately, for the residents of this beachfront community, city government was notified about the problem, and two members of the town's council promptly showed up at the beach to solve it.
It couldn't have been pretty - kids swarming around the carcass, the odor of sulfur times ten in the air, whole views of the ocean blocked off due to one large dead fish. Fortunately, the town council members who responded were out there on that razor's edge when it comes to creative thinking...
They talked for a few minutes, and decided to explode the whale - I mean it - literally explode the whale! As they explained it,
"We figure some explosive charges placed under the whale, angled properly, will explode the carcass and deposit the chunks out into the ocean, where they will be naturally disposed of."
You can't dispute that sound logic. Of course, the Titanic made sense in the beginning, too. And, in this case, as in so many others, human error reared its ugly head...
A group of demolition experts was summoned out to the beach where they proceeded to examine the whale. Once examined, they began putting all sorts of explosive charges underneath it. They would put some explosives out, stand back, measure the whale, talk, and then put out some more explosives. I noticed during all this activity that one of the demolition guys was actually chomping on a sandwich while standing about ten feet from this aromatic carcass. Now there's a man I'd love to invite to one of my mother-in-laws' social gatherings...
Finally, all the calculations were completed, and all the explosives were set in place underneath Moby Dick's fragrant body. The word to detonate the explosives was given, and a series of loud blasts began....
It was wild - clouds of pink immediately consumed the air around the whale. Chunks of Shamu were flying around everywhere...
The only problem was that the demolition experts miscalculated in their judgments as to how much explosive power was needed to dispose of the corpse. Instead of blowing those sweet chunks out to sea, they exploded out in the opposite direction - landing, like stinky missiles, all over the beach itself.
You couldn't help but laugh - festering whale blubber chunks plopping around all over the beach. The video camera caught people ducking the chunks, and, one roughly two hundred pound missile was filmed destroying a brand new Ford Mustang convertible. One besieged fellow, covered in pink from head to toe, made the following astute observation...
"Its not the blood and guts that bother you, its the stench."
And there you have it - a major life's lesson learned. Will asked me how those demolition experts could have possibly screwed up so badly? I told him the sandwich eating guy probably made all the calculations, and, at worst, knew that a mistake would end up landing him and his town on "The World's Most Bizarre Home Videos." Probably figured the exposure would help the town's tourism business.
Will nodded at my answer, and once again we both were left feeling incredibly awed by the remarkable efficiency of government and the educational value of network TV...
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wQu3_9vvig
Monday, July 13, 2009
Excerpt - ChristmaSin' by Ed Williams
(During the annual Christmas celebration at the Juliette Methodist Church, December 1972, as told by a 17 year old Ed Williams. We pick it up at this tender point...)You total these two women up, Miss Evelyn and Miss Annie Bell, and you have two solid women who don’t back off from a whole lot. And they don’t regarding this megaton fart that Miss Simulah has just put out. Miss Evelyn gets the ball rolling when she whispers loudly, "My goodness, someone needs to change their eating habits, I think we’ve been graced with the after effects of someone who’s enjoyed a lunch of red hots and baked beans." That is a shot aimed right at Miss Simulah, cause everyone knows she loves those damn cheap ass red hot sausages (Ed Jr. said one time that she likes them because she never gets a helping of some true pink trouser sausage, but Mama came in before he could say much more about that) more than anyone around these here parts. Miss Simulah blushes a tad and looks away from Miss Evelyn, trying to act like she didn’t hear what she’d said, and that’s when she looks right into Miss Annie Bell’s face. You can tell it sort of shakes Miss Simulah up to be looking right at Miss Annie Bell, and it gets even worse when Miss Annie Bell whispers, "Simulah, we are in the House of the Lord, and what I’m about to say isn’t very Christian, but it needs to be said. I can put up with your body stink, even though I shouldn’t have to, but when you blend in the fruit of your ass with it, why, it’s just too damned much. You can either excuse yourself and go home, or else we can have a real set-too right here. I mean it. I’m not whiffing your ass pearls for the rest of this night, dearie."
It’s hard to believe that Miss Annie Bell just comes right out and says that, but she does, and Miss Simulah shoots up out of her seat like a rocket. She then bustles down her pew, walks down the aisle and leaves the church, whispering something to the ushers about leaving her stove on at home. All of our suspicions that Miss Simulah is the church stinker proved to be correct as all of the funk and farts clear up right after she leaves. Miss Annie Bell notices it, too, ‘cause she leans over to Miss Evelyn and says, "Eve, it may not have been the right thing to point out Simulah’s problem, but maybe it will cause her to stand a bit closer to the washrag tonight." Miss Annie Bell nods in agreement, and then their conversation ends as Reverend Malkinski calls the service to order.
I know ya’ll are expecting me to say that I am bored as all hell at the service, but it actually isn’t too bad. Reverend Malkinski talks about how the birth of Jesus was the single most important event in the history of mankind, and you can’t argue too much with that. He also talks about living a good life and about being a good example to your family and friends, and I guess I’m a fairly decent example of that while the sun’s up, but at sunset I sort of turn into something different. Maybe I’m a tad like the Lon Chaney, Jr./Wolfman situation, or the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde one. Rev Malkinski also talks about Christmas being a season for children, and that we should all do everything we possibly can to be good to them this time of year. He says if we do that they’ll grow up associating positive things with Christmas, Christ, and the meaning of the holiday. He then reminds us all that there were some really poor people out in the world, children who would get nothing for Christmas and who might not even have decent clothes to wear or food to put inside their stomachs. Situations like that makes my stomach knot up inside, because any man with two balls ought to be able to put some food on the table, and I can’t stand to think about any small child suffering. This isn’t masculine worth a shit to say, but it makes me cry down inside to my soul to think about any child hurting needlessly. Just the thought is wrenching, and it makes me want to kill an adult who would deliberately cause a child to suffer because that adult ought to be willing to do just about anything to help that child.
I have to make myself stop thinking anymore about that ‘cause I will bust out crying in church, so I make myself focus back on what Reverend Malkinski is saying. That isn’t the best idea in the world as the good Reverend is now telling us this lame ass story about a Christmas a few years back where he bought his wife some glass sculpture type things for their dining room table. Apparently, he liked the glass stuff, but Mrs. Malkinski obviously thought they looked like shit because she gave him some cock and bull story about how nice they were and then she told him she was going to sacrifice and donate them all to the Salvation Army so that some other less fortunate family could have a better Christmas. The whole crowd laughs pretty hard, Mrs. Malkinski blushes, and I whisper to Jenny that the Reverend Malkinski is a really good preacher. That he is, but the main reason I bring it up is so I can score some brownie points from Jenny for being so attentive during the sermon. Normally, during any sermon I’ll think about most anything other than God--women are typically my first choice, then football, and if those two fail to keep my attention I just run some good old Elvis tunes through my head. Elvis is really doing good these days, he’s doing some concerts out in Vegas and all, and there are rumors going around that he might head back out on the road again. I would give ten years of my life to be able to see him in person, but there’s no way in hell he’ll ever find his way to Juliette. Hell, if he found Macon it would truly be a blessing from God, although I wonder if God would consider blessings and rock and roll in His same thought process. I’ve gotta start thinking about something else, ‘cause God might use me as a cue ball in a pool game with the devil if He starts paying attention to all this crazy ass shit going on in my head.
Reverend Malkinski speaks a little more about Jesus and the Christmas season, and you can see all the small children in the congregation getting antsier and antsier. The reason for this is that each year our church draws names (kids only) and buys a gift for whosever name they pick. We have lots of kids in our church, so this year there is a big stack of gifts waiting for them up under the tree, and they’re ready to tear into them. When the tension gets so bad that it seems like the whole church needs to burp, Reverend Malkinski says, "Wait just a second! I think I hear what? Are there some reindeer outside? Why in the world would any reindeer be here tonight?"
All the kids start ooohhhing and ahhhing, and Reverend Malkinski walks over to a side door, opens it, and in walks ole Santa himself! Well, it’s not really Santa, but it does happen to be my Uncle Dog who’s sweating it out in the red and white suit. It’s really pretty easy to tell who it is given the cheap ass Christmas outfit that they have "Santy" wearing. The britches are about eight sizes too big, the belt is made of the cheapest vinyl imaginable and keeps sliding all over Santa’s gut, and the beard honestly looks like one of those thick old woven carpet rugs that you see on the floor in a doctor’s office. I did notice that Santy has some real rosy cheeks tonight, but I have a feeling I know the true reason for them.
Santy has his bag over one shoulder and a walking stick clutched in his other hand. As he walks over to the church Christmas tree he turns to lower his bag to the floor. When he does, it causes his other hand to come around and thwack his walking stick right into the tree. It’s a pretty solid shot, several ornaments are popped or knocked out into the crowd, and a couple of tree limbs are broken and left dangling off the tree. Santy slips up for a second and said "damn" right out loud, which causes almost everyone there to start laughing and buzzing around like a bunch of yard flies over at Winn Dixie. The Reverend Malkinski is trying to cover it all up by saying "darn" two or three times, but nobody is buying his feeble attempt at a dodge. Ed Jr. is tickled as all hell with the way Santy has just expressed himself, but he has to hold in his laughter as my mom is staring at him like a condemned man does the clock during his final hour. Of course, him not being able to laugh forces Brother and I to share his fate, as we both know that we would tote the red ass if we slip up and laugh out loud. That’s the worst thing to me about church, you have to hold stuff in sometimes when you‘d really just love to let it all out. We can’t do that, though, because Ed Jr. told me one time that, "If men could do anything they wanted, the world would be nothing but farts, jism, sass talk, and women whose legs were spread wider than the Grand Canyon." He’s pretty much hitting that one on the head, although we guys don‘t wanna admit it.
The laughter finally dies down, and Santy goes over and sits down on a big wooden chair and starts handing out presents. He reads off each child’s name, and then that particular child comes up and receives their present. Most of the kids who come up are shy. They just get their gifts from Santy and walk back to their parents. One little girl, however, is different. Her name is Samantha Griffin, and when her name is called out she walks up and takes her gift from Santa. Then, instead of shying away or running off, she looks up at him and says, "Santa, I love you and God loves you. I didn’t get anything for Christmas last year 'cause my daddy got the cancer and died. Thank you for being so good to me." If that isn‘t enough to tug at your heart, the little girl then holds her arms open for Santa to hug her. Santy does, and there aren’t too many dry eyes in the congregation while the two of them embrace. The little girl then steps back, waves at Santa, and returns to her seat. With all due respect to the Reverend Malkinski, little Samantha probably did more to remind everyone of what the true Christmas spirit is all about than anything else presented during this evening. And then some.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Trailer for ChristmaSin' by Ed Williams
E3
"ChristmaSin'", my new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!
www.ed-williams.com
www.champagnebooks.com
www.twitter.com/ELW3
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Interviewing Ed Williams
Tami: Hey Ed, welcome to the blog. I've been reading blogs around the internet the past two weeks by you and I have a feeling that we are going to have a ball today.Ed: **crickets chirpin**
Tami: Again, Welcome Ed Williams to the blog......**
Ed:Ummmmmm, okay darlin', I swear I didn't realize I'd been watchin' Dirty Harry flicks so long, I'm right here!
Tami: Don't you darlin' ...
Ed: I'm doin' well, got my Diet Mountain Dew in one hand, my mouse in the other, and I probably shouldn't say much else. Guilt by inference, you know.
Tami: Well ya know we're glad to have you here and all, especially since we hear you have a new book comin' out in November. Tell me a little bit about ChristmaSin' and it's main character.
Ed: I guess I ought to give y'all a little background info first. I grew up in Juliette, Georgia, whose one claim to fame is that the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" was filmed there. Its official census population when I was growing up was exactly 400. I guess you could say it was one of those deals where you knew everyone and they all knew you. And you ended up either being involved in, or hearing about, all the various mischief that went on.
There were a lot of things that happened around Christmas over the years that I associated with Juliette. Lots of nice things happened, as an example people would take cakes and cookies to other people's houses and they called it "Christmasin'". On the other hand, the local men always organized a large, heavy stakes cockfight each year about a week before Christmas. The deal was that at least a few of the guys involved would win money, which would be used to finance their Christmas that year. Throw in the fact that I wrote this book as a 17 year old version of Ed Williams telling the story, and you have hormones, heartwarming stuff, and things the devil himself would be proud of. Add it all together and you truly have "ChristmaSin'".
I've gotten so damn tired over the years of reading so much sugary sweet Christmas stuff that I thought it might be fun to put some real-life Juliette events from years ago all together in one story, then have it told by a wild and horny seventeen year old kid, and tack on a little Christmas message at the end. I want to tell a different type Christmas story, and with "ChristmaSin'", I hope we have.
Tami: OK, since you want to give us a different kind of Christmas story, how about a taste of something that isn't so sugar and spice and everything nice. Give me a little peak Ed. I dare ya!
Ed: Tami, in other words, you want to know if I'm really bad or whether I'm like one of those pharmacists that turns into a motorcyle rider on the weekends?
Tami: Now Ed, you know that's not what I meant, but if you have a Harley we can talk. Now be a good boy (if you know how) and give us a taste of the book. I want to see inside the mind of Ed Williams.
Ed: I gotcha. I like to write things as I see them, and for them to be both fun and realistic. I hate being bored, so I do everything I can to try and see that my readers remember the words before them. In fact, if they don't like or love my books, I want them to hate the hell out of them. A writer's worst enemy is an indifferent audience, and I aim to see that that never happens. I don't write to save the world or influence people, I like to write stuff that goes straight to the heart, the reader's laughing instinct, groin, or better!
Santy has his bag over one shoulder and a walking stick clutched in his other hand. As he walks over to the church Christmas tree he turns to lower his bag to the floor. When he does, it causes his other hand to come around and thwack his walking stick right into the tree. It’s a pretty solid shot, several ornaments are popped or knocked out into the crowd, and a couple of tree limbs are broken and left dangling off the tree. Santy slips up for a second and said “damn“ right out loud, which causes almost everyone there to start laughing and buzzing around like a bunch of yard flies over at Winn Dixie. The Reverend Malkinski is trying to cover it all up by saying “darn” two or three times, but nobody is buying his feeble attempt at a dodge. Ed Jr. is tickled as all hell with the way Santy has just expressed himself, but he has to hold in his laughter as my mom is staring at him like a condemned man does the clock during his final hour. Of course, him not being able to laugh forces Brother and I to share his fate, as we both know that we would tote the red ass if we slip up and laugh out loud. That’s the worst thing to me about church, you have to hold stuff in sometimes when you‘d really just love to let it all out. We can’t do that, though, because Ed Jr. told me one time that, “If men could do anything they wanted, the world would be nothing but farts, jism, sass talk, and women whose legs were spread wider than the Grand Canyon.” He’s pretty much hitting that one on the head, although we guys don‘t wanna admit it.
The laughter finally dies down, and Santy goes over and sits down on a big wooden chair and starts handing out presents. He reads off each child’s name, and then that particular child comes up and receives their present. Most of the kids who come up are shy. They just get their gifts from Santy and walk back to their parents. One little girl, however, is different. Her name is Samantha Griffin, and when her name is called out she walks up and takes her gift from Santa. Then, instead of shying away or running off, she looks up at him and says, “Santa, I love you and God loves you. I didn’t get anything for Christmas last year 'cause my daddy got the cancer and died. Thank you for being so good to me.” If that isn‘t enough to tug at your heart, the little girl then holds her arms open for Santa to hug her. Santy does, and there aren’t too many dry eyes in the congregation while the two of them embrace. The little girl then steps back, waves at Santa, and returns to her seat. With all due respect to the Reverend Malkinski, little Samantha probably did more to remind everyone of what the true Christmas spirit is all about than anything else presented during this evening. And then some.
Tami: Well that certainly shows that Christmas isn't all sugar and spice and everything nice, no matter how hard others want to believe it. Talking about not being sugar and spice and everything nice, I need our readers to hear about your other books.
Ed: My first one was the first thing I ever wrote in my life beyond a school paper of some sort. It was a collection of very wild Juliette country boy stories that ended up with the title, "Sex, Dead Dogs, and Me: The Juliette Journals." That book started out in four bookstores in Macon, Georgia, and ended up being carried nationally by Books A Million and in the south by Barnes and Noble. Talk about a pure fluke, I always felt like the Forrest Gump of Literature after it came out. In 2000, the paperback version of the book was released, and in 2003 there were hardback and paperback versions of its sequel, "Rough As A Cob: More From the Juliette Journals." It did very well to boot.
A story of mine, "Sally the Screamer," was included in the recent (2007) Southern humor anthology, "Southern Fried Farce." It was such an honor to be in a book with writers like Roy Blount and Celia Rivenbark. And now there's "ChristmaSin'".
Tami: OK, everyone that's read this blog now wants to contact you and they just don't know where to go and what to do. They don't have a direct line to you like I do! So, tell them all Ed, where can they go to learn more about the 'real' Ed Williams?
Ed: Darlin', if they want to contact me, they can simply email me at: ed3@ed-williams.com. I also have a web site, www.ed-williams.com, and a Twitter page, www.twitter.com/ELW3
Tami: Man, I'm havin' way too much fun to end the blog today, but if we keep chattin' I'll never get any work done. Thank you so much for stoppin' on by. (I wasn't talkin' like this when you first got here!) Got any closing words of wisdom for our readers or just somethin' to keep the good person in us a little bad?
Ed: Take a look at my book when it comes out, please, I'd hate to think I was sayin' all this stuff for nothing. And re being good and being bad, I'll just say this. I obviously never apologize for when I'm good, and I smile like hell when I think about being bad.
Or am bad.
Thanks everyone!
Tami: Well then from what I hear you must be smilin' alot. I hope you come back to see us soon Ed. Come on back next week guys we are going to have another interview.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Interviewing Angelica Hart & Zi
Tami: Welcome, Welcome! Grab a seat and let's chat! Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to come over to the blog and chat a while. How are you two doing today?
Angelica & Zi:
A: Hi Tami, fortunate is the word I choose to describe how I'm doing, fortunate to be here with you, Zi and all Champagne's readers.
Z: How apt of you to use the word fortunate. To steal from an old philosopher, "Fortune is a god..." Angelica and I have been granted an absolute privilege to be able to channel our creativity, draw upon a life of experiences, and some writing skill, all with a purpose of entertaining. "Industry is fortune's right hand, and fragility her left." is an old proverb. So, to answer your question, Tami, I am doing fabulous!
A: I thought we agreed we were going to have just one sentence as a greeting?
Z: Remove the periods then it's a run on sentence.
A: Hi Tami.
Z: Hi Readers.
Tami: How long have the two of you been writing together? Is this your first time with Champagne? Tell us how such great chemistry brought together this mighty duo.
Angelica & Zi:
Z: Three questions, gotcha: 1) We have been writing for what seems to be a lifetime together, separately. There have been many titles published since 1996. B) KILLER DOLLS will be our first with Champagne, and SNAKE DANCE our second. This will be at least our eighteenth collaboration. Finally) Well, great third question. As a chemistry major in college, I figured it out early that the most entertaining of all experiments were the ones that were the most reactive. So, some days I'm the catalyst and others Angelica is.
A: Zi answered the first two, and I never did pass chemistry, so my response is, we can be combustible when we write together, just playing off each other until we believe we found the right formula that will tease emotion out of our readers.
Z: Angelica as a once Philly girl has an edge that bites but never cuts clean. Couple that with my analytical proclivity and we've a formula for sparks.
A: Sparks... sometimes outright infernos. If you'd always do what I said things would be smoother.
Z: Yes they would... but far less entertaining.
A: You got a point.
A: Zi?
Z: Yes.
A: You think she was just asking about how we got together?
Z: Naw, and if she was, it's a secret.
Tami: Well I'm glad that you two could make it. Now I know that I shouldn't come out in public and make such a big fuss and all, but your new book has me wanting to hide under the sheets a little. What can you tell me about Killer Dolls? Tell me something that is going to bring me out from under the covers. Give me just a little bit of dirt.
Angelica & Zi:
A: Thank you for foreshadowing our tale of romance complicated by terrorism. We don't want you to come out from under the covers. We want you to take a flashlight in there with you and quake and quiver as you read. Zi, where are you?
Z: Be right there. Have to put away my chainsaw.
A: Forgive him, he's been multi-tasking this morning. Sorry for the delay. He's coming. Zi! Answer this question.
Z: Why are you whispering? Ah, great question. In the possible contemporary style of Lisa Scottoline (Philadelphia area) or Patricia Cornwell, we tried to construct a suspenseful piece, and at the same time, respect the genre of romance. Without getting too maudlin, we live in a world that is haunted daily by an underlying fear of terrorism. I hate that. My life was personally altered by 9/11. Now, having said that, life goes on, love goes on, and if lucky and or good, sex goes on and on and on.
A: Did you actually say that?
Z: Yes, I do hate terrorism.
A: Subterfuge. Subterfuge. Subterfuge. It never ends... The piece is geographically set in Delaware, and we use our personal knowledge of that Diamond State to enhance the color of the tale. So here's a little slice of dirt that I'm going to share with you. I wrote the first draft from the male point of view and Zi accepted the challenge of the female. We then fought for seven weeks. It was the greatest seven weeks.
Z: Take that back. FTI. You can't tell them that!
A: Yes I can, and did.
Z: Where's the frackin' delete?
Tami: You don’t watch Battlestar Gallactica do you? Hold on, that’s another conversation for another day. Now what about Snake Dance? You had to create another world with that one. I am not sure that I could sit down with a member of the opposite sex and create a world that we would both have to live in for a while. How did it happen and how did the characters like what you came up with?
Angelica & Zi:
Z: The creative meeting we had brainstorming this fantasy for SNAKE DANCE was an epic adventure in compromising our lack of a willingness to compromise. The world ultimately became a huge extension of Angelica's imagination. The trade-off was that the characters and the conflict reflected mine. Ahhhhh, if it was only that easy. Whereas, the story unfolded naturally and with simplicity, since we both found a remarkable fascination in the iconic tale. But the color, the facade, the tone and texture were occasionally a confounding task. We literally wallpapered our office with page after page after page of ideas and as we constructed Starling we drew from what seemed to be an endless reservoir of cognitive subtext.
A: Did you tell them that we fought... and fought?
Z: Immmpliiiied.
A: Tami, you raise a point of sexism. The most beautiful component of this Angelica Hart and Zi collaboration is that we have a profoundly deep honor and respect for both sexes, and their place in the natural coexistence of relating. Yes, we see the differences, and adore them. We see the formidable instinctual tugs, and enhance them. So, I think I'm comfortable in saying that it's not the negative we feel but the awesome positive nature of a man and woman creating, they believing, truly believing that the world and the love in it have endless possibilities.
Z: One of the most important points of view I maintain is that every female protagonist is complex, strong, has heroine qualities, and can be the every woman. Mind you, this is hard in fantasy but the template is always in place. I will never agree to a mindless female. Furthermore, Angelica and I have agreed that the principle characters must, and I shall repeat, must have a reason to feel love before they do the horizontal snake dance.
A: Tami, what a great question about how do our characters feel about what we have created for them. Well, when they're lonely, they hate us. When they're being chased by the bad guys, they hate us. When we poke fun at them, they hate us. But when we arrange in the finale for them to requite the honest pursuit of love in that very special way, they put us on their Christmas card list.
Z: The depth and complexity of both the world and the conflict we placed in that world is the greatest gift we give each other as writers, for from that aforementioned depth, the characters can often and quickly reveal themselves more richly.
A: And occasionally more naughty.
Z: Duh! Why else the complexity.
Tami: Now let's say that there are some more questions that I want to ask you guys. Who do I ask? Angelica or Zi? And to which address do I send it to?
Angelica & Zi:
A: We love to interact. As we have said so many times, we write specifically for the readers, therefore, their point of view is important.
Angelica & Zi:
A: KILLER DOLLS - September 2009
SNAKE DANCE - February 2010
Z: We just finished a sequel to KILLER DOLLS, the working title is LOVE LETTERS. The hero is the quintessential statement of imperfect perfection, and the heroine is the simple epitome of the concept of coloring outside of the lines. The conflict is terrorism. The form fire. The location the beautiful state of Delaware. And the three people, other than us, who have advanced read the manuscript have cried.
A: I cried.
Z: Saw you.
A: YOU CRIED.
Z: Don't tell them that.
A: Zi did not cry... out loud... though he was red-eyed.
Z: On a monthly basis, we are still writing our book review column. For any who have not read it, it is written with humor and a love for our industry. It can be found on Champagne Books' My Space, the Newsletter, and blog. Each month we follow the adventures of Tattle and Wrye as they leap into the words of Champagne authors. The following is its title:
Tami: Who has inspired you guys as writers? I know you both have TBR piles, who's on them and how many book are on the piles?
Angelica & Zi:
A. In truth, Zi has been a great inspiration to me, and a procurer of seeing the truth behind the words, never compromising that truth, even in fantasy worlds there is a logic and theme that has to be recognized and respected. I owe this revelation to him, taming my creative frenzy when it becomes outlandish. As for our TBR pile it is too high to list every title and author, but we'll give you a short list from Champagne authors at the end.
Z: Just read what you wrote... my response is... poppycock... it was not two days ago that you told me I couldn't spell hero if spotted H E R. No one believe her, she is spinning a tale. I work with her. I know her. She's evil in ways you don't understand. Having said that, I feel very fortunate to share writing with her. Thomas Fuller wrote, "When Fortune smiles, embrace her." Thomas must have met Angelica Hart.
A: You're so full of ca-ca.
Z: That's my story and I'm sticking to it. When the corn is ripe, pick it.
___
Angelica's TBR pile majorly condensed!
A Ghost Story by Keith Latch
Blade Dancer by K. M. Tolan
Invisible by Kimber Chin
Kisses of Fire by Phyllis Campbell
Investment of the Heart by Linda LaRoque
Tami: Well you guys have now officially worn me out and made my sides hurt from laughter! Thanks so much for stopping by, I can’t wait to have you again and hear you on Champagne’s upcoming podcast!
Angelica & Zi:
Z: Thank you for your generous words. As one armadillo said to the other while standing on the side of the road, "Be careful the walk across could get you tired." It is always my pleasure to try to entertain.
A: You actually used an armadillo reference? Have you no shame? The banter that we share is quite typical to our days. Besides my love for writing, this arena from where I write is just so fun. I consider myself privileged to have talent enough and more so opportunity to share my love of writing. Of course, I thank you, Tami, for this opportunity, but mostly I thank anyone who has ever read anything that we wrote. We write for you.
Angelica Hart and Zi
Killer Dolls ~ September 2009
Snake Dance ~ February 2010
Champagne Books
Tami: Now, y'all need to come back here next week when my southern roots start showin' and we bring Ed Williams in to talk about his new book ChristmaSin'. See ya then!
Angelica & Zi:
A: Hi Tami, fortunate is the word I choose to describe how I'm doing, fortunate to be here with you, Zi and all Champagne's readers.
Z: How apt of you to use the word fortunate. To steal from an old philosopher, "Fortune is a god..." Angelica and I have been granted an absolute privilege to be able to channel our creativity, draw upon a life of experiences, and some writing skill, all with a purpose of entertaining. "Industry is fortune's right hand, and fragility her left." is an old proverb. So, to answer your question, Tami, I am doing fabulous!
A: I thought we agreed we were going to have just one sentence as a greeting?
Z: Remove the periods then it's a run on sentence.
A: Hi Tami.
Z: Hi Readers.
Tami: How long have the two of you been writing together? Is this your first time with Champagne? Tell us how such great chemistry brought together this mighty duo.
Angelica & Zi:
Z: Three questions, gotcha: 1) We have been writing for what seems to be a lifetime together, separately. There have been many titles published since 1996. B) KILLER DOLLS will be our first with Champagne, and SNAKE DANCE our second. This will be at least our eighteenth collaboration. Finally) Well, great third question. As a chemistry major in college, I figured it out early that the most entertaining of all experiments were the ones that were the most reactive. So, some days I'm the catalyst and others Angelica is.
A: Zi answered the first two, and I never did pass chemistry, so my response is, we can be combustible when we write together, just playing off each other until we believe we found the right formula that will tease emotion out of our readers.
Z: Angelica as a once Philly girl has an edge that bites but never cuts clean. Couple that with my analytical proclivity and we've a formula for sparks.
A: Sparks... sometimes outright infernos. If you'd always do what I said things would be smoother.
Z: Yes they would... but far less entertaining.
A: You got a point.
A: Zi?
Z: Yes.
A: You think she was just asking about how we got together?
Z: Naw, and if she was, it's a secret.
Tami: Well I'm glad that you two could make it. Now I know that I shouldn't come out in public and make such a big fuss and all, but your new book has me wanting to hide under the sheets a little. What can you tell me about Killer Dolls? Tell me something that is going to bring me out from under the covers. Give me just a little bit of dirt.
Angelica & Zi:
A: Thank you for foreshadowing our tale of romance complicated by terrorism. We don't want you to come out from under the covers. We want you to take a flashlight in there with you and quake and quiver as you read. Zi, where are you?
Z: Be right there. Have to put away my chainsaw.
A: Forgive him, he's been multi-tasking this morning. Sorry for the delay. He's coming. Zi! Answer this question.
Z: Why are you whispering? Ah, great question. In the possible contemporary style of Lisa Scottoline (Philadelphia area) or Patricia Cornwell, we tried to construct a suspenseful piece, and at the same time, respect the genre of romance. Without getting too maudlin, we live in a world that is haunted daily by an underlying fear of terrorism. I hate that. My life was personally altered by 9/11. Now, having said that, life goes on, love goes on, and if lucky and or good, sex goes on and on and on.
A: Did you actually say that?
Z: Yes, I do hate terrorism.
A: Subterfuge. Subterfuge. Subterfuge. It never ends... The piece is geographically set in Delaware, and we use our personal knowledge of that Diamond State to enhance the color of the tale. So here's a little slice of dirt that I'm going to share with you. I wrote the first draft from the male point of view and Zi accepted the challenge of the female. We then fought for seven weeks. It was the greatest seven weeks.
Z: Take that back. FTI. You can't tell them that!
A: Yes I can, and did.
Z: Where's the frackin' delete?
Tami: You don’t watch Battlestar Gallactica do you? Hold on, that’s another conversation for another day. Now what about Snake Dance? You had to create another world with that one. I am not sure that I could sit down with a member of the opposite sex and create a world that we would both have to live in for a while. How did it happen and how did the characters like what you came up with?
Angelica & Zi:
Z: The creative meeting we had brainstorming this fantasy for SNAKE DANCE was an epic adventure in compromising our lack of a willingness to compromise. The world ultimately became a huge extension of Angelica's imagination. The trade-off was that the characters and the conflict reflected mine. Ahhhhh, if it was only that easy. Whereas, the story unfolded naturally and with simplicity, since we both found a remarkable fascination in the iconic tale. But the color, the facade, the tone and texture were occasionally a confounding task. We literally wallpapered our office with page after page after page of ideas and as we constructed Starling we drew from what seemed to be an endless reservoir of cognitive subtext.
A: Did you tell them that we fought... and fought?
Z: Immmpliiiied.
A: Tami, you raise a point of sexism. The most beautiful component of this Angelica Hart and Zi collaboration is that we have a profoundly deep honor and respect for both sexes, and their place in the natural coexistence of relating. Yes, we see the differences, and adore them. We see the formidable instinctual tugs, and enhance them. So, I think I'm comfortable in saying that it's not the negative we feel but the awesome positive nature of a man and woman creating, they believing, truly believing that the world and the love in it have endless possibilities.
Z: One of the most important points of view I maintain is that every female protagonist is complex, strong, has heroine qualities, and can be the every woman. Mind you, this is hard in fantasy but the template is always in place. I will never agree to a mindless female. Furthermore, Angelica and I have agreed that the principle characters must, and I shall repeat, must have a reason to feel love before they do the horizontal snake dance.
A: Tami, what a great question about how do our characters feel about what we have created for them. Well, when they're lonely, they hate us. When they're being chased by the bad guys, they hate us. When we poke fun at them, they hate us. But when we arrange in the finale for them to requite the honest pursuit of love in that very special way, they put us on their Christmas card list.
Z: The depth and complexity of both the world and the conflict we placed in that world is the greatest gift we give each other as writers, for from that aforementioned depth, the characters can often and quickly reveal themselves more richly.
A: And occasionally more naughty.
Z: Duh! Why else the complexity.
Tami: Now let's say that there are some more questions that I want to ask you guys. Who do I ask? Angelica or Zi? And to which address do I send it to?
Angelica & Zi:
A: We love to interact. As we have said so many times, we write specifically for the readers, therefore, their point of view is important.
angelicahartzi@gmail.com
Tami: I would like to know release dates on all your upcoming books and anything else you might have up your sleeves. Come on, you can tell me, I promise not to tell anyone.Angelica & Zi:
A: KILLER DOLLS - September 2009
SNAKE DANCE - February 2010
Z: We just finished a sequel to KILLER DOLLS, the working title is LOVE LETTERS. The hero is the quintessential statement of imperfect perfection, and the heroine is the simple epitome of the concept of coloring outside of the lines. The conflict is terrorism. The form fire. The location the beautiful state of Delaware. And the three people, other than us, who have advanced read the manuscript have cried.
A: I cried.
Z: Saw you.
A: YOU CRIED.
Z: Don't tell them that.
A: Zi did not cry... out loud... though he was red-eyed.
Z: On a monthly basis, we are still writing our book review column. For any who have not read it, it is written with humor and a love for our industry. It can be found on Champagne Books' My Space, the Newsletter, and blog. Each month we follow the adventures of Tattle and Wrye as they leap into the words of Champagne authors. The following is its title:
FROM THE DESK OF
DONA PENZA TATTLE, ESQ.
AND
ASSOCIATE WRYE BALDERDASH
DONA PENZA TATTLE, ESQ.
AND
ASSOCIATE WRYE BALDERDASH
Tami: Who has inspired you guys as writers? I know you both have TBR piles, who's on them and how many book are on the piles?
Angelica & Zi:
A. In truth, Zi has been a great inspiration to me, and a procurer of seeing the truth behind the words, never compromising that truth, even in fantasy worlds there is a logic and theme that has to be recognized and respected. I owe this revelation to him, taming my creative frenzy when it becomes outlandish. As for our TBR pile it is too high to list every title and author, but we'll give you a short list from Champagne authors at the end.
Z: Just read what you wrote... my response is... poppycock... it was not two days ago that you told me I couldn't spell hero if spotted H E R. No one believe her, she is spinning a tale. I work with her. I know her. She's evil in ways you don't understand. Having said that, I feel very fortunate to share writing with her. Thomas Fuller wrote, "When Fortune smiles, embrace her." Thomas must have met Angelica Hart.
A: You're so full of ca-ca.
Z: That's my story and I'm sticking to it. When the corn is ripe, pick it.
___
Angelica's TBR pile majorly condensed!
A Ghost Story by Keith Latch
Blade Dancer by K. M. Tolan
Invisible by Kimber Chin
Kisses of Fire by Phyllis Campbell
Investment of the Heart by Linda LaRoque
Tami: Well you guys have now officially worn me out and made my sides hurt from laughter! Thanks so much for stopping by, I can’t wait to have you again and hear you on Champagne’s upcoming podcast!
Angelica & Zi:
Z: Thank you for your generous words. As one armadillo said to the other while standing on the side of the road, "Be careful the walk across could get you tired." It is always my pleasure to try to entertain.
A: You actually used an armadillo reference? Have you no shame? The banter that we share is quite typical to our days. Besides my love for writing, this arena from where I write is just so fun. I consider myself privileged to have talent enough and more so opportunity to share my love of writing. Of course, I thank you, Tami, for this opportunity, but mostly I thank anyone who has ever read anything that we wrote. We write for you.
Angelica Hart and Zi
Killer Dolls ~ September 2009
Snake Dance ~ February 2010
Champagne Books
Tami: Now, y'all need to come back here next week when my southern roots start showin' and we bring Ed Williams in to talk about his new book ChristmaSin'. See ya then!
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